Sunday, November 27, 2011

OMFG - BFP!

Had a horrendous night's sleep last night.  DS had a nightmare so there was one interruption and then had crazy ass dreams -- all having to do with the beta.  I dreamt that I was at CCRM and that they had me POAS for some reason, and I still had the stick in my possession.  I was driving and it was late at night and I still hadn't gotten a call back from them, so I thought I'd read the HPT stick and I read it as a BFP incorrectly.  Then realized it was a BFN... and felt the subsequent sadness.  So that prefaces the start to my day.

An aside: I've done the whole over-scrutinizing of symptoms and checking my underwear like a crazy-person w/ my three IUIs, so I resolved not to do it this time.  As a result, my overall feeling is that I've had no symptoms (which added to my doubts)...

Woke DS up early so we could all go to CCRM in Lone Tree before the 9 am labs window closed (to get same day results).  It's an hour drive so we were going to go to IKEA nearby as well and make a day of it.  The phlebotomist was really sweet and could tell I was nervous (about the results/process, not the needle).  She said, "Blessings!" as I departed.  To prepare for the call, I kept my cell phone in my pocket and had the ringer set at the highest volume.  We had an uneventful, though successful shopping trip and at the checkout in the middle of paying (I actually predicted this, this morning -- in a previous post, I had mentioned how CCRM always calls at the craziest times, never when I'm just hanging out), my phone rings.  I hand my credit card to DH and dash over to the side (which is still in the main path of everyone leaving the store), bracing myself for the worst.  The nurse said, "Hi, this is so-and-so from CCRM.  I have your hCG results."  I figure with that kind of opening, very factual, that it was not good news (I've heard that others say, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!").  And then I think she said something about it being positive and my number being 255.4 (should be > than 50) and that that is very good and my progesterone level is good too.  She also said keep on with the meds and to come in for another beta on Tuesday.  I think I just said "Oh my God" over and over again while my eyes misted (I also recall asking the hCG number about three times so I could remember it for this blog -- dork).  Then I quickly helped finish the transaction while wiping my eyes.  The cashier was probably like WTF?

Anyway, it's all so surreal.  I don't feel comfortable using the word 'pregnant' yet.  This is one small step in the right direction and there are so many other hurdles to cross still.  Of course, I am thrilled, but cautiously so.  It's just not real to me yet.  It's all so hocus-pocusy -- this whole process!  And with not POAS, the control and information was in someone else's hands, which is weird too.

I haven't told anyone IRL yet.  And while I'm so happy, I'm still so nervous.  At what point can I just take a deep breath?  A nice problem to have, I know.  I am definitely looking very much forward to telling my DS (probably after 12 weeks, because once he knows, then the whole world will presumably know).  And of course, other people I'm close to (except for direct coworkers who already know about IVF due to all my appts) too.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time, mentally.  Like if DH wants to talk about gender, names, gear or a nursery, I'm going to smack him.  Meanwhile, anytime I talk about anything related to this BFP, I am saying BIAGO.

I must sound so measured and unfun -- hope I don't sound annoying.  I just want to protect myself.  Maybe I'll let a little loose come Tuesday.  Til then!

19 comments:

  1. I have been thinking about you today, what wonderful news! I am so happy for you. What a great beta number too! Congrats!

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  2. I am soooo excited for you!!! I am glad your predictions and dreams were wrong! That's a great beta!

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  3. Wonderful news... CONGRATULATIONS :))... & great beta :) So so happy for you xoxo

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  4. Congratulations my dear. I am so happy for you. God bless you as you continue to move forward to your new journey. Hugs...

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  5. Congratulations!!! SO exciting. Your deep breath gave me a chuckle. I didn't have one until my son was born...Enjoy this magical time.

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  6. OMG YAYYYY!!!! I'm sooooooo happy for you!!! And so glad that your negative feelings were dead wrong!!! :D

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  7. Yesssssssssssssss! Yeah for you! "Blessings" I love it!

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  8. WooHoo! Congratulations!
    I too have no idea when I'd tell people, although, I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep it quiet for too long. I have too many people that know what is going on and, I learned my lesson about not sharing the important stuff with the ones that matter when you have the chance. So, I probably won't last 12 weeks, if I ever get to the BFP stage in the first place. :)

    Thanks for your kind words. I have no idea what PIO's are really like but they sound nicer than leaking all the time. haha

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  9. I think inner-circle before 12 weeks (close family - mom/MiL) -- people who know about IVF/IF. DS & colleagues & extended family: 12 weeks

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  10. I have no idea how I've missed this!!! Congratulations!!!! Sorry for being so involved in my head I didn't even know you got your BFP! I am so happy for you! This is awesome news!!! Congratulations!

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  11. This is me, from myfertilityblog.blogspot.com, don't know why my name came up instead, don't care, but just wanted to let you know it's me!! :-)

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  12. Visiting from LFCA. Congratulations!!! It is so uplifting hearing about a success!

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  13. thanks for visiting! appreciate the good wishes.

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  14. Congratulations!!! Such exciting news! :)

    Visiting from LFGA

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  15. Congrats! Totally understand about holding back the excitement. It's so hard to put yourself out there with the fear of being crushed.

    I got my BFP on the 28th. My level wasn't anywhere close to yours, but it tripled in 3 days so I'm trying to hold on to that. I go back on Thursday for my 3rd hCG. Crossing my fingers!

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