Housecleaning: Ditching the Drugs

IVF Drugs for Sale!

I've been gun-shy about doing this earlier because I didn't want to "curse" myself.  At this point, however, I am starting to get into nesting mode and just want to get my old piles and crap cleaned up.  And if the sh** should hit the fan with this pregnancy, I have other things to worry about besides whether or not I still have drugs to use for another cycle.  Sorry if you think this is uncouth, but I had to pay for everything in my cycle out of pocket, so would love to recoup anything possible.

[Shipping costs included for all.]

Vivelle Dots - 3 unopened boxes of Vivelle 0.1 mg "dots."  Each box has 8 dots/patches.  I have an additional box with 5 patches out of 8 left (unopened).  Expiration Date: 07/2013.  I paid about $65 per box.  I will charge you $40/box and throw in the extra 5/8 box for free. 

Menopur - 3 vials of 75 IU single-dose Menopur.  Includes 5 vials of sodium chloride diluent.  I paid $210, will sell for $100.  Includes Q-caps and needles.

Endometrin - progesterone vaginal insert, 100 mg.  17 unopened inserts.  I paid $115 for 21.  Will charge $50.  Includes unopened applicators.  Expires October 2012.

Follistim - AQ Cartridge 900 IU.  Unused/unopened and stored in the fridge from the get-go.  I paid $782 for one of these puppies.  Pen included, if you need and microneedles.  Will sell for $300 and ship overnight on ice.

28 weeks

Yesterday, I had my 3 hour glucose test -- I figured that arriving to the lab at 8 am would give me plenty of time to make it to my shower by 1 pm.  Boy, was I wrong!  First of all, even though I arrived at 8:05 am, I didn't get my first blood draw til 8:40 am.  This is all before drinking the glucola.  THEN, we had to wait for the results of that draw before continuing on... An hour later, I drank the glucola and then it was 3 hours from THEN before I would be done.  So a 3 hour test was 5 hours.  I started fasting from midnight (ate heartily at 11:45 pm) and missed breakfast and lunch.  I was so dizzy, grumpy and out of it... I had DH sneak me out to shower/get dressed for the shower (so confusing, shower/shower) -- technically you are not supposed to leave the premises, but the phlebotomist didn't say anything when I came back wearing different clothes w/ wet hair.  Not sure when I'll get my results... but not fun.  I definitely have a lot more empathy for people who (due to unforeseen circumstances, disaster, hardship, whatever) have not eaten for days.

Today marks 28 weeks exactly and according to some sources, the beginning of third trimester.  It's amazing to me how quickly time has passed and how surreal to be at this place with a baby inside me.  I am very thankful.  At the same time, I fight a daily battle to brush away negative thoughts.  Recently reading an article in the paper about IVF/ICSI-conceived (which we did do - ICSI) babies have a greater risk of birth defects did not ease my mind.  I've got 9 school days left and a ton to do before then (I'm at school right now), so that will definitely occupy my time/mind and then there's a ton to do to get ready for Baby.  I'm figuring that despite my 8/5 due date, that I should be ready at least 2 weeks prior, since DS was 2 weeks early.

I'm sure today is a bittersweet day for many of you, who are yearning to be mothers yourselves.  I wish you peace and I'm hopeful that someday soon this day will be more sweet than bitter for you.

9w6d

10 weeks tomorrow, which according to what I've read is a bit of a milestone in itself, before numbers end up being solidly in our favor after 12-13 weeks.  I've been thinking about my experience with my ob/gyn and DH thinks maybe I walked in with craploads of knowledge (from having gone through IF, CCRM, IVF, etc) and the ob/gyn maybe was getting defensive.  She didn't know much about the drugs I was taking, IVF, etc. and maybe I just came on too strong?  At any rate, you all have been great with your advice and I will give it another go before I potentially switch docs.

DH has been really awesome and excited lately (esp for "coming out of the closet" which coincides with my 37th birthday.  Ahhhh, advanced maternal age... ).  I've got another u/s appointment with the ob/gyn in about a week and a half and also my first trimester screen has been scheduled for later this month too.  So I've been lucky to have regular ultrasounds spaced out thus far.  OH!  And I self-advocated and pushed for another E2/progesterone blood check at CCRM and they said yes, so I'm doing that on Monday morning.  Yay.  I just wanted peace of mind.  (Yesterday was my last endometrin insert...)

DH also left a sweet poem on my nightstand the other evening:

A preternaturally sensitive nose,
objecting to even the sweetest rose,
and eating a burger
with gustatory fervor,
makes me happy for reasons nobody else knows.

FYI: My sense of smell is definitely heightened.  I woke up one morning at the crack of dawn when DH was up and I felt like something was burning.  It was just coffee.  His deodorant, which I usually don't mind, I cannot stand and have asked him to stop using.  I almost puked the other day taking out the compost as it smelled like feces to me.  I stopped using my hair conditioner because the smell was way too strong...

3 more days...

This 2ww (til the ultrasound) is interminable.  The other day I freaked out because I didn't have nausea and my boobs were back to normal.  After consulting Dr. Google, I realized that symptoms can come and go (you would think I'd have a clue having gone through this before, but that was AGES ago and so different).  I've decided that, for now, I'm just going to stick to reading blogs that I'm already following.  No one new.  The reason is when I come across someone new, I invariably come across information that is scary and demoralizing for my current state (and of course, I don't realize that information is there until I've already read it.  Example: Someone's TTC journey info will include a BFP from IVF/FET and then m/c at 12 weeks (or later).  As it is, I'm having trouble accepting my positive reality and at some point, I would like to be able to accept it, relax and even enjoy it.  No disrespect at ALL to others' personal pain and tribulations -- I've had a m/c as well and I just don't want to be reminded of it. 

Counting down the days, hours, minutes, which are passing very slowly...

Boo and Yay!

First Boo -- right now I'm really feeling negative about tomorrow's beta.  Teared up once today just talking about it with DH.  I'm freaked out, nervous and steeling myself for the worst.  I'm almost pre-grieving.  When DH and DS were out today, I was really close to tearing through my bathroom cabinets to look for a HPT.  But thankfully, I think I'm out of them and I resisted.  I've waited this long... I also think I freaked the bejesus out of myself by reading too many blogs last night (as helpful as they are), sometimes the extraordinarily long and tough journeys of some women can be scary and demoralizing.

Secondly Yay -- it's been a month since I've started this blog and I'M SO GLAD that I did!  Even though I've already been going through IF for quite a while, for this IVF/FET cycle and period in my life -- it's been immensely helpful.  While I initially started the blog just for myself, it's become much more than that.  I've forged connections.  I've learned from others.  I've gained hope.  I love checking in on others and hearing from women on my own blog.  As I have said before, this community is so amazingly supportive and its reach knows no bounds.  I love that there are so many ways that the community (especially Stirrup Queens and Cyclesista) supports newbies and everyone out in the ALI blogosphere.  And another is...

 

Rebecca from Life of an Army Wife very kindly extended this award to me!  I never thought anyone would read my blog and while I'm still a newbie, my hits and followers are slowly increasing in number.  Rebecca is a very supportive and dedicated reader.  It's always a treat to see her comments.  Her IF history includes miscarriages (including 1 from IVF), negative IUIs as well as health issues like PCOS, fibromyalgia and endometriosis, and she writes about it all from the perspective of an army wife.  She is a rock star for dealing with all of the above and being such a devoted wife and strong woman. 

This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Leibster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

My list below is in no particular order and some that I have not included may have already gotten a Liebster Award.

1. Tortoise Baby makes it to my list because her story gives me hope. She also went to CCRM and had the same doctor (Dr. G) as I do. She is now just shy of her first trimester of pregnancy and recently got off of all the hormone drugs.

2. BattleFish is on her third IVF (stimming right now). She lives in Finland with her DH. I've always wanted to be an expat, so reading about how she balances two cultures (+ IF) is fascinating to me.

3. For We Are Bound By Symmetry is a very aesthetically pleasing site. Gorgeous graphics. "Unaffected" (her pseudonym) had a FET the same exact day as I did and has been steadily POAS and documenting everything (impressive!) in a very scientific way. She just got a positive beta (as well as BFPs on hpt tests).

4. New Year Mum is from Australia and is suffering from secondary infertility. So I can really identify with her, although her journey has been much more arduous than mine, unfortunately. She has a DD, conceived naturally. But since then, has had innumerable challenges including m/c and loss. She only recently got a BFN after a FET. Wishing her hope and success in 2012!

While there are so many blogs I follow and enjoy, I'm going to stop here (for now). I really appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts and support, but for now, company and college football await. Hope to post tomorrow after my beta... YIKES!

Musings on Thanksgiving Day

Slept in and woke up to a quiet house.  DH and DS went to a Thanksgiving bike ride organized by a pro (used to be on Lance Armstrong's team) who lives in town.  But the house is a mess, so I'm procrastinating (plus did a lot of cooking over the past few days already).  I'm proud of myself for handling the 2ww (okay 9 day wait) as well as I have and only had one slumpy down day (yesterday).  Only 3 more days.  I've resisted POAS and I'm sticking to that.  I am slightly tempted after seeing others POAS daily and noticing changes, but a BFN would be really devastating and I don't want to have to grieve more than once.  At the same time, I recognize that IF is a good problem to have.  Let me explain -- I have my house, my family, DH and I are both employed.  None of us are terminally ill.  We live in a developing country with freedoms, we are not hungry.  There are awful problems to have and while IF is a pain in the ass, it's a problem of privilege.  But the 9 day wait and BFNs still SUCK!

As I become more involved in the IF blogging community, I notice the following phenomenon:  pregnancy guilt (almost like survivor's guilt).  I really wish this didn't have to happen and that others could rise above jealousy and bitterness so that women didn't have to feel guilty when they have reached that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It's the whole point of all of our IF journeys... to get pregnant and have a healthy child.  I know what we feel is what we feel and that we cannot always help ourselves and that some people's journeys have been particularly arduous and challenging...

Okay, I get bitter when a cute coworker who it never rains on gets pregnant on her FIRST try.  I get bitter when another under-30 coworker who it never rains on gets pregnant in six months (which was an eternity for her).  I don't get bitter when an infertile who has gone through multiple IUIs, losses, IVFs, FETs, whatever, gets pregnant.  I gain hope and and I am thrilled.  Of course, I want a BFP for myself too, but pregnancy is not like a limited edition Andy Warwhol print where someone else's BFP takes away from me getting one.

So I hope all of you out there with BFPs can celebrate unabashedly on your blogs.  And that NO ONE makes you feel bad about it.  Because you deserve your happiness 100% (not a fan of the over 100% sports aphorisms.  : )).

Off to prep Thanksgiving!  Thinking of you all!

-Pork Chop (silly nickname, but I LOVE to eat, and I eat a ton for my 5' 1" size).

PS.  In the future, if you want to sleep in on Thanksgiving, try Alton Brown's butterflied turkey -- this is my first year making it.  It takes WAY less time to roast, because you cut out the backbone and smash the whole thing flat.  Definitely looks violated, but hopefully, is really yummy.

Bring it!

On Wednesday, after not hearing from CCRM by 4 pm on when my transfer tomorrow would be, I called them.  They still didn't have the schedule yet, but by 5 pm, they said I should be there by 11:15 am (with acupuncture before and after).  Then, this morning as I was rolling into work, I get a call telling me that the time is now switched to 8:15 am.  F**K!  My DS, a kindergartner, doesn't start school til 8 am and I have no family in town (at the moment, sis is traveling in S. Africa & MiL is not capable).  Plus, I was going to attend a special surprise family event in his classroom.  DH urged me to push back, so I called them back and pleaded my case.  Nurse Carolyn called me back right away and let me push it back to 9:15 am.  At least we can get DS to school, but will miss his kinder event.  : (  Don't get me wrong, this FET is a huge priority, but STILL... cut me some slack, CCRM.  I'm always at their beck and call with scheduling.  Now, my transfer is at 11:15 am (but still gotta arrive early for the bloodwork and acupuncture).

So to address the photo: in my pre-blogging days as a lurker, I had read about pineapple core and grape juice (+ walnuts or just nuts in general + yams) as being beneficial to implantation (nothing highly scientific, mostly on blogs and forums).  I've also read how too much is not good either.  At any rate, old wive's tale or not, what the hell?  Don't worry, I won't consume ALL that is on the counter... just thought I'd maximize the dramatic effect.  I'm thinking 1 cup of juice per day and 1 cup of pineapple per day (I might blitz the core into a smoothie).

Of course, DS knows NOTHING about our IF tribulations and IVF.  He is just doing the thumbs up because of Daddy.  DS used to break my heart by requesting a baby and asking about having a younger sibling.  He'd say he wanted a baby sister (so he didn't have to share his toys).  We'd always say, "We're working on it."  Then he'd say, "How?"  Um...  can't even remember how I answered that, but that I didn't.  : )  It also breaks my heart that he doesn't ask anymore.  Sigh.  I know that I'm fortunate to have one child and as someone going through secondary infertility, I don't expect great amounts of sympathy.  I do, however, know what it feels like to be disappointed month after month, procedure after procedure, year after year.  I also know what it feels like to have a vision of your future not coming to fruition and to feel like your life is in limbo.

Anyhoo... before I go to bed tonight, I plan to clear my nightstand for maximum space and lay out my diversions.  Mags, books, DVDs, laptop, grading... might also prep that pineapple.  Can't believe the big day is finally nearing.  So surreal.  Catch you all on the PUPO side!

Close, but YES cigar?

So I had my doppler u/s appointment and estradiol blood draw this morning.  I got a call back from the nurse as I was trying to park my car in the Costco lot on a VERY crowded/busy shopping day and as my DS started dry-heaving in the back seat, requesting a baggie to puke in.  Why don't the nurses ever call me when I'm calm and by myself?  I'm a teacher and sometimes the nurse calls while I'm in the midst of 24 third-graders and I have to speak in code, "Well, my monthly visitor arrived today.  Okay, so I should start taking those miniature pills when?"  Well, I got the car parked and DS ended up not puking (phew!) and I was able to grab a pen/paper to take some notes on the next steps.

Oh, back to the u/s -- triple pattern, good blood flow, 10.2 mm -- all good (thickness is supposed to be > than 8 mm).  But the estradiol level was 256 and they want 300.  : (  The nurse (Carolyn -- new) said that we can kick it up with estrace twice daily, which I've used before to beef up my lining during IUIs, but have never ingested it orally.  Which I welcome, because bright blue discharge is kinda disturbing.  As I recall from one woman's blog, "It's like I f**ked a smurf!"  Apparently they are not too worried as the wizard (Dr. G) felt that 256 was close to 300.  They're not even going to check that again.  Only progesterone on Tuesday.

So new upcoming drugs: progesterone inserts (endometrin) 3x/daily starting on Sunday.  Tetracycline (which I cannot stand due to the need to avoid dairy) also.  Medrol comes up somewhere too.  Good thing I'm a Type A organized person (how do non-Type A people manage all the details???). 

We find out on Wednesday when our transfer appointment will be on Friday.  Can't believe the day is actually nearing and that it's actually going to happen. 

Weekend plans: work (blah), raking leaves (kinda gratifying), errands, college football and DH's b-day tomorrow.  Hope I can survive the week, always busy right before Thanksgiving at school with report cards and whatnot.  Transfer day on Friday and then we host Thanksgiving -- hrmmm.... bedrest is not so conducive to Thanksgiving prep.  I should still have plenty of prep time -- besides, it'll help the 2ww pass.  The IUI 2ww was bad enough, with the higher stakes of IVF, I don't know how I will be able to stand it.  I know it's less than 2w, but still... how do others do it?  Do I need to stuff my schedule to the brim?