First Ob/Gyn Appointment - 9w3d

Overall, I would say my assessment of the appointment is mixed.  My ob/gyn was not as cool and magical as I'd remembered her to be.  Maybe because I haven't seen her in over a year and she didn't really know who I was.  Maybe too it was late in the day and I annoyed her by mentioned "the Internet" one time too many (but when she asked me how I knew about NT scans, that's the honest answer).  A couple times when I asked her questions, "She said, I don't have that figure memorized.  If I had known you were going to ask that, I would have looked it up before I came in."  (about miscarriage rates -- which having had one, I'm nervous about -- jeez).  "I'm not in that field.  If I had studied that, I would be practicing that now."  (basically saying that I should direct that ? to my RE, who I don't see anymore... SORRY!).  So it was weird.  BUT, she let me take as long as I needed and it was a long visit.  She also does the u/s herself and really let me watch the baby for a long time.  Heartrate was 161, lower, but I'm assuming fluctuations are normal.  She also pounded on my stomach (practically) to wake it up and so we got to see the gummy bear dance a bit.  Even though the aforementioned put me off a bit, she did offer to assuage my nerves by letting me have another u/s in two weeks.  So I appreciate that.  It's so weird when at CCRM you are there all the time and they monitor every little thing to now be so isolated and on your own for so much of this.  Just a waiting game now.

In other news, I am wearing a belly band for the first time.  Mostly because my pants (having gained 10 lbs this year) were already on the verge of not fitting before the BFP.  So between my prenatal hamburgers and those 10 lbs, I can barely wear anything except for elastic waistbands comfortably.  I don't feel right digging out my old maternity clothes yet and who knows how dated and sketchy those look (being from 6 years ago).  The jeans are probably light colored.  : )  Anyway, I am feeling good, down to my one endometrin per day (with Friday being the last day) and am wearing just a single Vivelle patch, which is the last one.  Really nervous about the wean with no monitoring.  I asked my ob/gyn about that and she said they don't monitor progesterone and estradiol and that I should just trust Dr. G or ask for a consult.  I was hoping that they could squeeze that in among all the other bloodwork I have to get done.  Poo.  I'm tempted to bug/beg CCRM for one last blood test.

I'm also ready to start telling people, but I'm definitely going to stick to 13 weeks to tell coworkers, FB friends, etc.  I'm just really excited to tell DS and other family members, but mostly DS. 

Okay, gotta get back to work.  Hope 2012 is off to a great start for everyone!

3 more days...

This 2ww (til the ultrasound) is interminable.  The other day I freaked out because I didn't have nausea and my boobs were back to normal.  After consulting Dr. Google, I realized that symptoms can come and go (you would think I'd have a clue having gone through this before, but that was AGES ago and so different).  I've decided that, for now, I'm just going to stick to reading blogs that I'm already following.  No one new.  The reason is when I come across someone new, I invariably come across information that is scary and demoralizing for my current state (and of course, I don't realize that information is there until I've already read it.  Example: Someone's TTC journey info will include a BFP from IVF/FET and then m/c at 12 weeks (or later).  As it is, I'm having trouble accepting my positive reality and at some point, I would like to be able to accept it, relax and even enjoy it.  No disrespect at ALL to others' personal pain and tribulations -- I've had a m/c as well and I just don't want to be reminded of it. 

Counting down the days, hours, minutes, which are passing very slowly...

Beta #2!

I'm pleased to report that my second beta is: 679!!!!  Psych!  I found this cool resource to calculate the doubling time:

http://www.countdowntopregnancy.com/tools/beta_doubling_calculator.php

So when I entered in my values, it was 33.97 hours.  "Normal range" is 31-72 hours, according to their chart.

Now we just gotta cross the next hurdle -- ultrasound and bloodwork on December 15.  While it is starting to become more real to me, I'm wondering if I'll be able to "settle in" after 12/15, BIAGO.

If you're doing a FET, you can obsess by checking out this site:

http://www.ivf.ca/fet5dayduedate.php

Back when I was preggo in 2005-2006, I probably wasn't super aware because of the different circumstances, but holy gamoly, there are some amazing resources out there!  (Babycenter did exist tho).

Just reordered more meds to last for 4.5 more weeks (according to the nurse), which seems early to me (tell me, you BFP ladies -- when did you finally wean off of your meds?)  Ugh, can't wait to stop paying for that stuff -- especially the Vivelle!  $$$$

I really appreciate everyone's positive wishes, especially when so many of you are going through your own trials and tribulations.  It's very generous and very touching.  Thank you.

OMFG - BFP!

Had a horrendous night's sleep last night.  DS had a nightmare so there was one interruption and then had crazy ass dreams -- all having to do with the beta.  I dreamt that I was at CCRM and that they had me POAS for some reason, and I still had the stick in my possession.  I was driving and it was late at night and I still hadn't gotten a call back from them, so I thought I'd read the HPT stick and I read it as a BFP incorrectly.  Then realized it was a BFN... and felt the subsequent sadness.  So that prefaces the start to my day.

An aside: I've done the whole over-scrutinizing of symptoms and checking my underwear like a crazy-person w/ my three IUIs, so I resolved not to do it this time.  As a result, my overall feeling is that I've had no symptoms (which added to my doubts)...

Woke DS up early so we could all go to CCRM in Lone Tree before the 9 am labs window closed (to get same day results).  It's an hour drive so we were going to go to IKEA nearby as well and make a day of it.  The phlebotomist was really sweet and could tell I was nervous (about the results/process, not the needle).  She said, "Blessings!" as I departed.  To prepare for the call, I kept my cell phone in my pocket and had the ringer set at the highest volume.  We had an uneventful, though successful shopping trip and at the checkout in the middle of paying (I actually predicted this, this morning -- in a previous post, I had mentioned how CCRM always calls at the craziest times, never when I'm just hanging out), my phone rings.  I hand my credit card to DH and dash over to the side (which is still in the main path of everyone leaving the store), bracing myself for the worst.  The nurse said, "Hi, this is so-and-so from CCRM.  I have your hCG results."  I figure with that kind of opening, very factual, that it was not good news (I've heard that others say, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!").  And then I think she said something about it being positive and my number being 255.4 (should be > than 50) and that that is very good and my progesterone level is good too.  She also said keep on with the meds and to come in for another beta on Tuesday.  I think I just said "Oh my God" over and over again while my eyes misted (I also recall asking the hCG number about three times so I could remember it for this blog -- dork).  Then I quickly helped finish the transaction while wiping my eyes.  The cashier was probably like WTF?

Anyway, it's all so surreal.  I don't feel comfortable using the word 'pregnant' yet.  This is one small step in the right direction and there are so many other hurdles to cross still.  Of course, I am thrilled, but cautiously so.  It's just not real to me yet.  It's all so hocus-pocusy -- this whole process!  And with not POAS, the control and information was in someone else's hands, which is weird too.

I haven't told anyone IRL yet.  And while I'm so happy, I'm still so nervous.  At what point can I just take a deep breath?  A nice problem to have, I know.  I am definitely looking very much forward to telling my DS (probably after 12 weeks, because once he knows, then the whole world will presumably know).  And of course, other people I'm close to (except for direct coworkers who already know about IVF due to all my appts) too.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time, mentally.  Like if DH wants to talk about gender, names, gear or a nursery, I'm going to smack him.  Meanwhile, anytime I talk about anything related to this BFP, I am saying BIAGO.

I must sound so measured and unfun -- hope I don't sound annoying.  I just want to protect myself.  Maybe I'll let a little loose come Tuesday.  Til then!

Boo and Yay!

First Boo -- right now I'm really feeling negative about tomorrow's beta.  Teared up once today just talking about it with DH.  I'm freaked out, nervous and steeling myself for the worst.  I'm almost pre-grieving.  When DH and DS were out today, I was really close to tearing through my bathroom cabinets to look for a HPT.  But thankfully, I think I'm out of them and I resisted.  I've waited this long... I also think I freaked the bejesus out of myself by reading too many blogs last night (as helpful as they are), sometimes the extraordinarily long and tough journeys of some women can be scary and demoralizing.

Secondly Yay -- it's been a month since I've started this blog and I'M SO GLAD that I did!  Even though I've already been going through IF for quite a while, for this IVF/FET cycle and period in my life -- it's been immensely helpful.  While I initially started the blog just for myself, it's become much more than that.  I've forged connections.  I've learned from others.  I've gained hope.  I love checking in on others and hearing from women on my own blog.  As I have said before, this community is so amazingly supportive and its reach knows no bounds.  I love that there are so many ways that the community (especially Stirrup Queens and Cyclesista) supports newbies and everyone out in the ALI blogosphere.  And another is...

 

Rebecca from Life of an Army Wife very kindly extended this award to me!  I never thought anyone would read my blog and while I'm still a newbie, my hits and followers are slowly increasing in number.  Rebecca is a very supportive and dedicated reader.  It's always a treat to see her comments.  Her IF history includes miscarriages (including 1 from IVF), negative IUIs as well as health issues like PCOS, fibromyalgia and endometriosis, and she writes about it all from the perspective of an army wife.  She is a rock star for dealing with all of the above and being such a devoted wife and strong woman. 

This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Leibster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

My list below is in no particular order and some that I have not included may have already gotten a Liebster Award.

1. Tortoise Baby makes it to my list because her story gives me hope. She also went to CCRM and had the same doctor (Dr. G) as I do. She is now just shy of her first trimester of pregnancy and recently got off of all the hormone drugs.

2. BattleFish is on her third IVF (stimming right now). She lives in Finland with her DH. I've always wanted to be an expat, so reading about how she balances two cultures (+ IF) is fascinating to me.

3. For We Are Bound By Symmetry is a very aesthetically pleasing site. Gorgeous graphics. "Unaffected" (her pseudonym) had a FET the same exact day as I did and has been steadily POAS and documenting everything (impressive!) in a very scientific way. She just got a positive beta (as well as BFPs on hpt tests).

4. New Year Mum is from Australia and is suffering from secondary infertility. So I can really identify with her, although her journey has been much more arduous than mine, unfortunately. She has a DD, conceived naturally. But since then, has had innumerable challenges including m/c and loss. She only recently got a BFN after a FET. Wishing her hope and success in 2012!

While there are so many blogs I follow and enjoy, I'm going to stop here (for now). I really appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts and support, but for now, company and college football await. Hope to post tomorrow after my beta... YIKES!

Musings on Thanksgiving Day

Slept in and woke up to a quiet house.  DH and DS went to a Thanksgiving bike ride organized by a pro (used to be on Lance Armstrong's team) who lives in town.  But the house is a mess, so I'm procrastinating (plus did a lot of cooking over the past few days already).  I'm proud of myself for handling the 2ww (okay 9 day wait) as well as I have and only had one slumpy down day (yesterday).  Only 3 more days.  I've resisted POAS and I'm sticking to that.  I am slightly tempted after seeing others POAS daily and noticing changes, but a BFN would be really devastating and I don't want to have to grieve more than once.  At the same time, I recognize that IF is a good problem to have.  Let me explain -- I have my house, my family, DH and I are both employed.  None of us are terminally ill.  We live in a developing country with freedoms, we are not hungry.  There are awful problems to have and while IF is a pain in the ass, it's a problem of privilege.  But the 9 day wait and BFNs still SUCK!

As I become more involved in the IF blogging community, I notice the following phenomenon:  pregnancy guilt (almost like survivor's guilt).  I really wish this didn't have to happen and that others could rise above jealousy and bitterness so that women didn't have to feel guilty when they have reached that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It's the whole point of all of our IF journeys... to get pregnant and have a healthy child.  I know what we feel is what we feel and that we cannot always help ourselves and that some people's journeys have been particularly arduous and challenging...

Okay, I get bitter when a cute coworker who it never rains on gets pregnant on her FIRST try.  I get bitter when another under-30 coworker who it never rains on gets pregnant in six months (which was an eternity for her).  I don't get bitter when an infertile who has gone through multiple IUIs, losses, IVFs, FETs, whatever, gets pregnant.  I gain hope and and I am thrilled.  Of course, I want a BFP for myself too, but pregnancy is not like a limited edition Andy Warwhol print where someone else's BFP takes away from me getting one.

So I hope all of you out there with BFPs can celebrate unabashedly on your blogs.  And that NO ONE makes you feel bad about it.  Because you deserve your happiness 100% (not a fan of the over 100% sports aphorisms.  : )).

Off to prep Thanksgiving!  Thinking of you all!

-Pork Chop (silly nickname, but I LOVE to eat, and I eat a ton for my 5' 1" size).

PS.  In the future, if you want to sleep in on Thanksgiving, try Alton Brown's butterflied turkey -- this is my first year making it.  It takes WAY less time to roast, because you cut out the backbone and smash the whole thing flat.  Definitely looks violated, but hopefully, is really yummy.