Sunday, October 30, 2011

Take the D out of DH

Despite my asking for patience and some slack from DH (heretofore referred to as H) during this whole process w/ the drugs and whatnot... the sh** hit the fan last night.  A lame remark I made led to old behavior cycles in our marriage which led to some really strong statements being made.  Now, I feel more alone than ever.  And with questions from H about whether we ought to even be TTC, I feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. 

I want to feel hope, but right now, I just feel nothing but awfulness.  Sigh...

Friday, October 28, 2011

TGIF and CD1 with a Fake Period

I think today was CD1 of the Lupron period, post BCP.  BCP periods for me are not the same as regular ones, so it's always so hard to say.  I almost want to send the nurses a picture (gross, I know, but still) and say "Tell me if this is CD1!!!"  Everything on my calendar is still pretty much the same, especially the transfer day.  The only bummer is that I'll have to do an E2 draw in Lone Tree on a Saturday (which is an hour drive for me, but maybe I can combine w/ a trip to IKEA!) -- but I do realize I'm very fortunate especially since I know so many of you have to fly to CCRM.

Otherwise, I continue to feel like crap (tired, cold-ish symptoms) and it's unclear how much of that is just life (not enough sleep, stress, etc) or Lupron.  I also have some mouth sores and I do get them now and again, so can't tell if it's correlation or causation.  At least it's Friday -- I plan to sleep in a ton this weekend.  No plans, other than seeing some friends, which will be chill.  One friend I'm seeing has been going through IF as well and is now pregnant.  It hasn't been easy for her despite the outcome... That's what seems hard about this whole process, because even if we do get a BFP, it's one hurdle after another to cross and that seems to never end... when can you breathe easy?

Speaking of others who are preggo -- how do you deal with coworkers and friends (not going through IF) who are pregnant (another one just announced the deets yesterday)?  I'm talking the ones who try one time and get knocked up or can't stop talking about every little pregnancy detail (despite knowing you are going through IF).  Other than grinning and bearing it or giving them the double finger?

Even though I am under the weather, I am not too under the weather for DATE NIGHT!  Yummy French bistro food, here I come!  Maybe some froyo for dessert... (Unfortunately and on the flip side, all this cycling has made any exercise routine go to hell -- ugh, this weight gain is NO fun... there's only one reason weight gain will be enjoyed/tolerated).

Have a good weekend all -- catch you on the Vivelle side!  : )

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Okay, I'm being a little overzealous on day 1 of blogging, with 3 posts... but more on the long journey. Even though I've got some time cushion with being 36 (really, almost 37), my husband is 11 years older than I am. This has put additional pressure on the whole B2 thing for us... he doesn't want people to think he's the baby's grandfather and/or be ancient or dead when the kid is still relatively young. I point to people like Robert Downey Jr., Tony Randall, Elton John, but that doesn't really ease his mind (especially since they all have $$$$$$ and are not normal people). Anyway, obviously to get to where we are, we are over the hump on this. DH wants this as much as I do... phew. Plus, I got to see DH looking fondly upon (w/ amusement and joy) some friends' three year olds this weekend, which is also reassuring.

Another thing -- we have decided (though we still have lots of time to change our minds) to transfer 1. With the financial, pregnancy/health, developmental risks involved (though if we did happen to end up with twins, we would happily welcome them, just not gonna seek it out) -- we figure, if all goes well w/ the thaw and whatnot, we have 3 shots at FET. Sounds like with 1, they thaw the 3BA (since the other two are frozen together) and use that. Also, as an elementary school teacher, I see SO many twins (and now I'm dying to find out which ones are IVF) and many have major issues. ADHD, low birth weight, learning issues... or one twin will be Mr. Smart and one will be Mr. Not so Much. Or one Mr. Handsome and Smart and Athletic and the other Mr. Dumb, Not as Cute and Not so Athletic... that freaks me out a little bit.

Worry Journey

As with with most others who are going through infertility, this journey has been a long and windy road. We are lucky to have CCRM conveniently located from our home and having friends who have traveled here just for it from big cities, convinced us that we needed to look no further. It's just one long giant waiting game. The 2WW after each IUI was tortuous, but slightly less so each time, as I let myself have less and less expectation. After getting on board with IVF the same day as our regroup with the illustrious Dr. Gustofson*, we were thinking it'd be full steam ahead. NOT. It's so crazy to me that they give you BCPs to supress your system, but those same BCPs can cause you to get cysts (because I never had them in the past and that's what the Dr. said). So even though we started IVF in late May, we haven't even really gotten off the ground yet. Two cancelled cycles, plus life plans (like travel), plus hyperstimulation from the stim drugs (which, were amazingly, no big deal with regard to symptoms and the poking and whatnot), has led to delay after delay after delay.

So I kinda feel like, well, I'm on the home stretch (or at least what I hope is the home stretch), so what's the point of starting a blog? More than anything, the blogs that I've stumbled across, have given me hope. The forums, not so much -- those are just plain frightening -- so many horrible stories/sagas too. And even though this may be the home stretch -- who knows? Besides, FET is a whole 'nother deal and so far, not the breeze I thought it'd be.

Yes, one injection per day (Lupron) is mouse nuts, compared to 3+/day. The little insulin needle is nice too and even though my husband, my brother-in-law and friends gave me 99% of the injections during the stimming, I've been doing all my own Lupron shots. I'm over it! BUT, that Lupron is sneaky. I've been constipated (lovely and TMI, but this is all about education!) and having CUHRAZZY dreams (like orgasmic**). I've also been really sweaty and hot (nurse said it's like a menopausal environment --> hot flashes) so I've been sleeping for crap too. Haven't started the Vivelle dots yet, as I'm waiting for the fake period to start after stopping the BCPs. But I've heard that that estrogen is no walk in the park...

What I'm really curious about, though, and haven't asked about yet, is those progesterone suppositories (no PIO for me, thankfully, as I've heard scary things about those too). Do you have to lie down for 20 min after each one? I'm an elementary teacher and I'm wondering how I'm going to fit that in my work day...

I'm also worried about whether I'll be able to identify my "period" after the BCPs... because sometimes it's hard to tell w/ it being literally spotty.

Is it possible to NOT be worried about anything/everything in IVF? Since you shouldn't be stoned while cycling, I'm assuming no one is, but is there anyone who is humanly capable of just being like, "Heeeeeeeeeyyyy..." about all of this?

*I also like to refer to Dr. G as "the wizard," like from the Wizard of O.Z. You hardly see him, but he is the man behind the curtain, directing you and the nurses.

**I've read freaky things about women who inadvertently orgasm during dreams after transfer and then with a BFN, blame themselves for potentially expelling their embryos!!! WTF? OMG. I'm thinking I may need to not sleep after transfer for a couple days, just in case... WHAT TO DO???!!! Granted, these dreams don't happen all that often to me, but with all the added hormones... who's to know? I've also heard of Benadryl being suggested to stop that, but apparently that does not always work. Again, too many things to worry about...

Better Late than Never

After going through a miscarriage and finally getting pregnant after a year, my husband and I were very careful to be cautiously optimistic as we tiptoed into this new stage. Therefore, we prefaced everything we said with IAGO. For example, "Let's get a Mac.Laren stroller, IAGO." IAGO stood for If All Goes Optimally. We then called our fetus IAGO for the remainder of the pregnancy, especially once we were past the first trimester. Now that we've been trying to conceive #2 for three+ years, we've brought back IAGO. Now it's BIAGO, with the B standing for B2 or Baby 2.