The Latest -- 11w2d

Had my bonus ob/gyn appointment today -- as usual, I had to wait about an hour.  If I had a flexible schedule, I would go earlier in the day or earlier in the afternoon, when she isn't so behind, but I don't have that option as a teacher, unless I blow my annual leave time (which I need to save for maternity leave) for a substitute teacher.  Anyway, it's okay, as I do appreciate that I am never rushed and you get all the time that you want.  Also, today, she was back to her sane, kind, normal self.  Phew.

Dr. R followed up on some things she noticed in my chart from CCRM and confirmed my due date from them, which is 8/6/12.  The ultrasound was also on my belly, NOT transvag -- woohoo!  I asked about the spotting and she said she wasn't worried about it.  The gummy bear now looks like Mr. Peanut -- I have not posted, because the u/s pics aren't great -- and definitely has increased in size.  She also pressed on my belly (which just feels like belly to me) and said that my uterus is growing nicely.  HR is consistent at 161.  So this visit, which was definitely a courtesy/extra one, was very reassuring.  Without the movement yet, who knows what the heck is going on there???  It's reassuring, too, to know that my growing belly isn't all just hamburgers.  Though my ever-widening butt certainly feels like it.

I mentioned that given how well things are going, perhaps I should go ahead and tell people and Dr. R concurred.  She couldn't believe that we hadn't told MiL yet, but she guessed that I had already told my mom.  She chuckled at that.  So now DH and my plan is to tell DS on Friday and then we will see MiL on Saturday and have him tell her that he's going to be a big brother.  : )  Otherwise, I was going to be uber-conservative and wait til 13 weeks.

Next week I have the first trimester screen, so more u/s!  But then no more til 20 weeks, poo.  And not another appointment for another month.  C'mon, who wants to go in on an u/s machine with me??

11 weeks!

I've made it another week.  This week, though, did include some light spotting.  Always light brown in color and not accompanied by any other symptoms.  Also, sporadic.  I can't help but be paranoid about my hormone levels (see last post) though the CCRM nurse said all was fine.  I didn't call the dr's office or anything -- based on what I've read in books and from Dr. Google, it's quite normal for first trimester.  Tell me, ladies, that this is so!  Tomorrow, I have a courtesy u/s at my ob/gyn.  I'm a little scared of her now and scared to ask questions, for fear of her snapping at me.  This fear is not unfounded, as my friend who also sees the same ob/gyn was recently bitched out by said doc and treated (in my opinion) in a very over-the-top and unprofessional manner.  So I have my concerns and have started researching other ob/gyns.  Unfortunately, where I want to deliver (specific hospital) does not have a ton of ob/gyn options... so I may have to change hospitals (so, am planning to attend a hospital tour even though I'm barely showing -- I hope the other "tourees" don't think I'm a freak, just trying to find a doctor everyone!).

The rest of my post is private and if you email me at biagobaby@gmail.com (please do email me), I'll add you to the list of readers (especially if you are already a follower and/or a fellow IFer).

Here's the link:

http://biagobaby2.blogspot.com/

9w6d

10 weeks tomorrow, which according to what I've read is a bit of a milestone in itself, before numbers end up being solidly in our favor after 12-13 weeks.  I've been thinking about my experience with my ob/gyn and DH thinks maybe I walked in with craploads of knowledge (from having gone through IF, CCRM, IVF, etc) and the ob/gyn maybe was getting defensive.  She didn't know much about the drugs I was taking, IVF, etc. and maybe I just came on too strong?  At any rate, you all have been great with your advice and I will give it another go before I potentially switch docs.

DH has been really awesome and excited lately (esp for "coming out of the closet" which coincides with my 37th birthday.  Ahhhh, advanced maternal age... ).  I've got another u/s appointment with the ob/gyn in about a week and a half and also my first trimester screen has been scheduled for later this month too.  So I've been lucky to have regular ultrasounds spaced out thus far.  OH!  And I self-advocated and pushed for another E2/progesterone blood check at CCRM and they said yes, so I'm doing that on Monday morning.  Yay.  I just wanted peace of mind.  (Yesterday was my last endometrin insert...)

DH also left a sweet poem on my nightstand the other evening:

A preternaturally sensitive nose,
objecting to even the sweetest rose,
and eating a burger
with gustatory fervor,
makes me happy for reasons nobody else knows.

FYI: My sense of smell is definitely heightened.  I woke up one morning at the crack of dawn when DH was up and I felt like something was burning.  It was just coffee.  His deodorant, which I usually don't mind, I cannot stand and have asked him to stop using.  I almost puked the other day taking out the compost as it smelled like feces to me.  I stopped using my hair conditioner because the smell was way too strong...

First Ob/Gyn Appointment - 9w3d

Overall, I would say my assessment of the appointment is mixed.  My ob/gyn was not as cool and magical as I'd remembered her to be.  Maybe because I haven't seen her in over a year and she didn't really know who I was.  Maybe too it was late in the day and I annoyed her by mentioned "the Internet" one time too many (but when she asked me how I knew about NT scans, that's the honest answer).  A couple times when I asked her questions, "She said, I don't have that figure memorized.  If I had known you were going to ask that, I would have looked it up before I came in."  (about miscarriage rates -- which having had one, I'm nervous about -- jeez).  "I'm not in that field.  If I had studied that, I would be practicing that now."  (basically saying that I should direct that ? to my RE, who I don't see anymore... SORRY!).  So it was weird.  BUT, she let me take as long as I needed and it was a long visit.  She also does the u/s herself and really let me watch the baby for a long time.  Heartrate was 161, lower, but I'm assuming fluctuations are normal.  She also pounded on my stomach (practically) to wake it up and so we got to see the gummy bear dance a bit.  Even though the aforementioned put me off a bit, she did offer to assuage my nerves by letting me have another u/s in two weeks.  So I appreciate that.  It's so weird when at CCRM you are there all the time and they monitor every little thing to now be so isolated and on your own for so much of this.  Just a waiting game now.

In other news, I am wearing a belly band for the first time.  Mostly because my pants (having gained 10 lbs this year) were already on the verge of not fitting before the BFP.  So between my prenatal hamburgers and those 10 lbs, I can barely wear anything except for elastic waistbands comfortably.  I don't feel right digging out my old maternity clothes yet and who knows how dated and sketchy those look (being from 6 years ago).  The jeans are probably light colored.  : )  Anyway, I am feeling good, down to my one endometrin per day (with Friday being the last day) and am wearing just a single Vivelle patch, which is the last one.  Really nervous about the wean with no monitoring.  I asked my ob/gyn about that and she said they don't monitor progesterone and estradiol and that I should just trust Dr. G or ask for a consult.  I was hoping that they could squeeze that in among all the other bloodwork I have to get done.  Poo.  I'm tempted to bug/beg CCRM for one last blood test.

I'm also ready to start telling people, but I'm definitely going to stick to 13 weeks to tell coworkers, FB friends, etc.  I'm just really excited to tell DS and other family members, but mostly DS. 

Okay, gotta get back to work.  Hope 2012 is off to a great start for everyone!

8w4d

 

The fetus is babyfying!  Or as the sonographer referred to it, it's a gummy bear!  From left to right: leg buds, torso, arms buds, head.  Heartrate: 171 bpm.  I only got to hear it once... I could've stayed there all day listening, though I could do without the dildo cam in there all day.  Dr. G was once again detained by surgery, so didn't get to talk to him.  Tomorrow PM, I'll find out how much I get to reduce my drugs to -- can't wait for that.  But I have no idea the next time I'm due back at CCRM (if at all).  I'm definitely getting sloppy with my drug administration times (like varying the midday endometrin deposit by 2 hours) and I've forgotten an estrace once and endometrin twice in the recent past.  I'm excited, though, that my awesome ob/gyn (who curses and says that the guys have it easy, they just need to splatter their semen -- in roughly those words) wants to see me sooner rather than later, so I will see her on Tuesday.  She's a talker, so that is good, in that you never are rushed, but bad, in that you often have to wait way past your appointment time to see her.  I feel like I can bombard her with minutia whereas with Dr. G, I'm more intimidated and would feel lame asking him if soft cheeses are okay to eat, if they are pasteurized.  Or about my boobs.  Or whatever.  Anyway, I think I will get to have an ultrasound on Tuesday too, woohoo.  Brainstorm: I think there needs to be some sort of u/s co-op.  Women who want more than 2 u/s per pregnancy (I think that's all I got w/ DS) can join for a monthly membership fee.  Of course, we'll need boatloads of $$$ upfront to get an u/s machine and sonographer, but hey, I bet it'd pay for itself at some point!!!  And then you can get u/s as often as you'd like (or as much as the schedule would permit).  Wouldn't that rock?

Anyhoo, it's all starting to be more real, though I'm still pretty much in the closet... very happy with every Sunday that passes by for me (another week down).

Hope you all are having a good week and that 2012 delivers all your hopes and wishes!

I'm Telling You About Myself

 

Lady Bug at My Journey to Conception was very sweet to include me on the above award.  She has a very cool-looking blog and has been diagnosed with endo, which may be impacting her fertility journey.  She's a devoted follower and supporter and I so appreciate her presence!  Thanks Lady Bug!

Similar to the Liebster Blog Award, certain rules also apply in receiving this award:

• Thank the person who passed the award on to you.
• List 7 things that people may not know about you.
• Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and don't forget to notify them as well.

1) I love food -- to eat it and to cook it.  When I go on vacation, my schedule revolves around meals.  I grew up in California, so desperately miss In-n-Out and Trader Joe's.  It's on my life list to eat at the The French Laundry in Napa, Per Se in NYC and Masa in NYC.

2) I was once invited to audition for Cirque du Soleil's KA in Las Vegas.  I didn't make the cut, which is okay. 3) I met DH when we were both in a swing dance performance group.  I was on the A-team, he was on the B-team.  : )  Lindy Hop, to be exact.  Now, we mostly just dance at weddings.

4) I have a very crass sense of humor.  I love The Oatmeal, shows like South Park and movies like Get Him to the Greek.  I prefer smart humor to dumb humor...

5) I did martial arts (have a black belt) competitively growing up and have competed in two world championships.

6) I have a potty mouth, but I do a very good job of keeping that buttoned up during my day job as a teacher.

7) I love to read trashy magazines (like People, Us Weekly, InTouch, etc -- but I'm too cheap to subscribe to them).  CCRM has a decent collection in our local office, but have terrible mags in Lone Tree in the main lobby.  What the hell?  We aren't paying them enough money???

Awardees (I'm just stopping at 9):

1) Yet Another Infertility Blog
2) Life of an Army Wife
3) BattleFish
4) The Cornfed Feminist
5) My Infertility Road
6) Donor Eggs Journey
7) My Fertility Blog
8) The Yoakum Crew
9) Compromised Fertility

OMFG - BFP!

Had a horrendous night's sleep last night.  DS had a nightmare so there was one interruption and then had crazy ass dreams -- all having to do with the beta.  I dreamt that I was at CCRM and that they had me POAS for some reason, and I still had the stick in my possession.  I was driving and it was late at night and I still hadn't gotten a call back from them, so I thought I'd read the HPT stick and I read it as a BFP incorrectly.  Then realized it was a BFN... and felt the subsequent sadness.  So that prefaces the start to my day.

An aside: I've done the whole over-scrutinizing of symptoms and checking my underwear like a crazy-person w/ my three IUIs, so I resolved not to do it this time.  As a result, my overall feeling is that I've had no symptoms (which added to my doubts)...

Woke DS up early so we could all go to CCRM in Lone Tree before the 9 am labs window closed (to get same day results).  It's an hour drive so we were going to go to IKEA nearby as well and make a day of it.  The phlebotomist was really sweet and could tell I was nervous (about the results/process, not the needle).  She said, "Blessings!" as I departed.  To prepare for the call, I kept my cell phone in my pocket and had the ringer set at the highest volume.  We had an uneventful, though successful shopping trip and at the checkout in the middle of paying (I actually predicted this, this morning -- in a previous post, I had mentioned how CCRM always calls at the craziest times, never when I'm just hanging out), my phone rings.  I hand my credit card to DH and dash over to the side (which is still in the main path of everyone leaving the store), bracing myself for the worst.  The nurse said, "Hi, this is so-and-so from CCRM.  I have your hCG results."  I figure with that kind of opening, very factual, that it was not good news (I've heard that others say, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!").  And then I think she said something about it being positive and my number being 255.4 (should be > than 50) and that that is very good and my progesterone level is good too.  She also said keep on with the meds and to come in for another beta on Tuesday.  I think I just said "Oh my God" over and over again while my eyes misted (I also recall asking the hCG number about three times so I could remember it for this blog -- dork).  Then I quickly helped finish the transaction while wiping my eyes.  The cashier was probably like WTF?

Anyway, it's all so surreal.  I don't feel comfortable using the word 'pregnant' yet.  This is one small step in the right direction and there are so many other hurdles to cross still.  Of course, I am thrilled, but cautiously so.  It's just not real to me yet.  It's all so hocus-pocusy -- this whole process!  And with not POAS, the control and information was in someone else's hands, which is weird too.

I haven't told anyone IRL yet.  And while I'm so happy, I'm still so nervous.  At what point can I just take a deep breath?  A nice problem to have, I know.  I am definitely looking very much forward to telling my DS (probably after 12 weeks, because once he knows, then the whole world will presumably know).  And of course, other people I'm close to (except for direct coworkers who already know about IVF due to all my appts) too.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time, mentally.  Like if DH wants to talk about gender, names, gear or a nursery, I'm going to smack him.  Meanwhile, anytime I talk about anything related to this BFP, I am saying BIAGO.

I must sound so measured and unfun -- hope I don't sound annoying.  I just want to protect myself.  Maybe I'll let a little loose come Tuesday.  Til then!

Boo and Yay!

First Boo -- right now I'm really feeling negative about tomorrow's beta.  Teared up once today just talking about it with DH.  I'm freaked out, nervous and steeling myself for the worst.  I'm almost pre-grieving.  When DH and DS were out today, I was really close to tearing through my bathroom cabinets to look for a HPT.  But thankfully, I think I'm out of them and I resisted.  I've waited this long... I also think I freaked the bejesus out of myself by reading too many blogs last night (as helpful as they are), sometimes the extraordinarily long and tough journeys of some women can be scary and demoralizing.

Secondly Yay -- it's been a month since I've started this blog and I'M SO GLAD that I did!  Even though I've already been going through IF for quite a while, for this IVF/FET cycle and period in my life -- it's been immensely helpful.  While I initially started the blog just for myself, it's become much more than that.  I've forged connections.  I've learned from others.  I've gained hope.  I love checking in on others and hearing from women on my own blog.  As I have said before, this community is so amazingly supportive and its reach knows no bounds.  I love that there are so many ways that the community (especially Stirrup Queens and Cyclesista) supports newbies and everyone out in the ALI blogosphere.  And another is...

 

Rebecca from Life of an Army Wife very kindly extended this award to me!  I never thought anyone would read my blog and while I'm still a newbie, my hits and followers are slowly increasing in number.  Rebecca is a very supportive and dedicated reader.  It's always a treat to see her comments.  Her IF history includes miscarriages (including 1 from IVF), negative IUIs as well as health issues like PCOS, fibromyalgia and endometriosis, and she writes about it all from the perspective of an army wife.  She is a rock star for dealing with all of the above and being such a devoted wife and strong woman. 

This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Leibster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

My list below is in no particular order and some that I have not included may have already gotten a Liebster Award.

1. Tortoise Baby makes it to my list because her story gives me hope. She also went to CCRM and had the same doctor (Dr. G) as I do. She is now just shy of her first trimester of pregnancy and recently got off of all the hormone drugs.

2. BattleFish is on her third IVF (stimming right now). She lives in Finland with her DH. I've always wanted to be an expat, so reading about how she balances two cultures (+ IF) is fascinating to me.

3. For We Are Bound By Symmetry is a very aesthetically pleasing site. Gorgeous graphics. "Unaffected" (her pseudonym) had a FET the same exact day as I did and has been steadily POAS and documenting everything (impressive!) in a very scientific way. She just got a positive beta (as well as BFPs on hpt tests).

4. New Year Mum is from Australia and is suffering from secondary infertility. So I can really identify with her, although her journey has been much more arduous than mine, unfortunately. She has a DD, conceived naturally. But since then, has had innumerable challenges including m/c and loss. She only recently got a BFN after a FET. Wishing her hope and success in 2012!

While there are so many blogs I follow and enjoy, I'm going to stop here (for now). I really appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts and support, but for now, company and college football await. Hope to post tomorrow after my beta... YIKES!

Bring it!

On Wednesday, after not hearing from CCRM by 4 pm on when my transfer tomorrow would be, I called them.  They still didn't have the schedule yet, but by 5 pm, they said I should be there by 11:15 am (with acupuncture before and after).  Then, this morning as I was rolling into work, I get a call telling me that the time is now switched to 8:15 am.  F**K!  My DS, a kindergartner, doesn't start school til 8 am and I have no family in town (at the moment, sis is traveling in S. Africa & MiL is not capable).  Plus, I was going to attend a special surprise family event in his classroom.  DH urged me to push back, so I called them back and pleaded my case.  Nurse Carolyn called me back right away and let me push it back to 9:15 am.  At least we can get DS to school, but will miss his kinder event.  : (  Don't get me wrong, this FET is a huge priority, but STILL... cut me some slack, CCRM.  I'm always at their beck and call with scheduling.  Now, my transfer is at 11:15 am (but still gotta arrive early for the bloodwork and acupuncture).

So to address the photo: in my pre-blogging days as a lurker, I had read about pineapple core and grape juice (+ walnuts or just nuts in general + yams) as being beneficial to implantation (nothing highly scientific, mostly on blogs and forums).  I've also read how too much is not good either.  At any rate, old wive's tale or not, what the hell?  Don't worry, I won't consume ALL that is on the counter... just thought I'd maximize the dramatic effect.  I'm thinking 1 cup of juice per day and 1 cup of pineapple per day (I might blitz the core into a smoothie).

Of course, DS knows NOTHING about our IF tribulations and IVF.  He is just doing the thumbs up because of Daddy.  DS used to break my heart by requesting a baby and asking about having a younger sibling.  He'd say he wanted a baby sister (so he didn't have to share his toys).  We'd always say, "We're working on it."  Then he'd say, "How?"  Um...  can't even remember how I answered that, but that I didn't.  : )  It also breaks my heart that he doesn't ask anymore.  Sigh.  I know that I'm fortunate to have one child and as someone going through secondary infertility, I don't expect great amounts of sympathy.  I do, however, know what it feels like to be disappointed month after month, procedure after procedure, year after year.  I also know what it feels like to have a vision of your future not coming to fruition and to feel like your life is in limbo.

Anyhoo... before I go to bed tonight, I plan to clear my nightstand for maximum space and lay out my diversions.  Mags, books, DVDs, laptop, grading... might also prep that pineapple.  Can't believe the big day is finally nearing.  So surreal.  Catch you all on the PUPO side!

TGIF and CD1 with a Fake Period

I think today was CD1 of the Lupron period, post BCP.  BCP periods for me are not the same as regular ones, so it's always so hard to say.  I almost want to send the nurses a picture (gross, I know, but still) and say "Tell me if this is CD1!!!"  Everything on my calendar is still pretty much the same, especially the transfer day.  The only bummer is that I'll have to do an E2 draw in Lone Tree on a Saturday (which is an hour drive for me, but maybe I can combine w/ a trip to IKEA!) -- but I do realize I'm very fortunate especially since I know so many of you have to fly to CCRM.

Otherwise, I continue to feel like crap (tired, cold-ish symptoms) and it's unclear how much of that is just life (not enough sleep, stress, etc) or Lupron.  I also have some mouth sores and I do get them now and again, so can't tell if it's correlation or causation.  At least it's Friday -- I plan to sleep in a ton this weekend.  No plans, other than seeing some friends, which will be chill.  One friend I'm seeing has been going through IF as well and is now pregnant.  It hasn't been easy for her despite the outcome... That's what seems hard about this whole process, because even if we do get a BFP, it's one hurdle after another to cross and that seems to never end... when can you breathe easy?

Speaking of others who are preggo -- how do you deal with coworkers and friends (not going through IF) who are pregnant (another one just announced the deets yesterday)?  I'm talking the ones who try one time and get knocked up or can't stop talking about every little pregnancy detail (despite knowing you are going through IF).  Other than grinning and bearing it or giving them the double finger?

Even though I am under the weather, I am not too under the weather for DATE NIGHT!  Yummy French bistro food, here I come!  Maybe some froyo for dessert... (Unfortunately and on the flip side, all this cycling has made any exercise routine go to hell -- ugh, this weight gain is NO fun... there's only one reason weight gain will be enjoyed/tolerated).

Have a good weekend all -- catch you on the Vivelle side!  : )

Worry Journey

As with with most others who are going through infertility, this journey has been a long and windy road. We are lucky to have CCRM conveniently located from our home and having friends who have traveled here just for it from big cities, convinced us that we needed to look no further. It's just one long giant waiting game. The 2WW after each IUI was tortuous, but slightly less so each time, as I let myself have less and less expectation. After getting on board with IVF the same day as our regroup with the illustrious Dr. Gustofson*, we were thinking it'd be full steam ahead. NOT. It's so crazy to me that they give you BCPs to supress your system, but those same BCPs can cause you to get cysts (because I never had them in the past and that's what the Dr. said). So even though we started IVF in late May, we haven't even really gotten off the ground yet. Two cancelled cycles, plus life plans (like travel), plus hyperstimulation from the stim drugs (which, were amazingly, no big deal with regard to symptoms and the poking and whatnot), has led to delay after delay after delay.

So I kinda feel like, well, I'm on the home stretch (or at least what I hope is the home stretch), so what's the point of starting a blog? More than anything, the blogs that I've stumbled across, have given me hope. The forums, not so much -- those are just plain frightening -- so many horrible stories/sagas too. And even though this may be the home stretch -- who knows? Besides, FET is a whole 'nother deal and so far, not the breeze I thought it'd be.

Yes, one injection per day (Lupron) is mouse nuts, compared to 3+/day. The little insulin needle is nice too and even though my husband, my brother-in-law and friends gave me 99% of the injections during the stimming, I've been doing all my own Lupron shots. I'm over it! BUT, that Lupron is sneaky. I've been constipated (lovely and TMI, but this is all about education!) and having CUHRAZZY dreams (like orgasmic**). I've also been really sweaty and hot (nurse said it's like a menopausal environment --> hot flashes) so I've been sleeping for crap too. Haven't started the Vivelle dots yet, as I'm waiting for the fake period to start after stopping the BCPs. But I've heard that that estrogen is no walk in the park...

What I'm really curious about, though, and haven't asked about yet, is those progesterone suppositories (no PIO for me, thankfully, as I've heard scary things about those too). Do you have to lie down for 20 min after each one? I'm an elementary teacher and I'm wondering how I'm going to fit that in my work day...

I'm also worried about whether I'll be able to identify my "period" after the BCPs... because sometimes it's hard to tell w/ it being literally spotty.

Is it possible to NOT be worried about anything/everything in IVF? Since you shouldn't be stoned while cycling, I'm assuming no one is, but is there anyone who is humanly capable of just being like, "Heeeeeeeeeyyyy..." about all of this?



*I also like to refer to Dr. G as "the wizard," like from the Wizard of O.Z. You hardly see him, but he is the man behind the curtain, directing you and the nurses.

**I've read freaky things about women who inadvertently orgasm during dreams after transfer and then with a BFN, blame themselves for potentially expelling their embryos!!! WTF? OMG. I'm thinking I may need to not sleep after transfer for a couple days, just in case... WHAT TO DO???!!! Granted, these dreams don't happen all that often to me, but with all the added hormones... who's to know? I've also heard of Benadryl being suggested to stop that, but apparently that does not always work. Again, too many things to worry about...