Had a horrendous night's sleep last night. DS had a nightmare so there was one interruption and then had crazy ass dreams -- all having to do with the beta. I dreamt that I was at CCRM and that they had me POAS for some reason, and I still had the stick in my possession. I was driving and it was late at night and I still hadn't gotten a call back from them, so I thought I'd read the HPT stick and I read it as a BFP incorrectly. Then realized it was a BFN... and felt the subsequent sadness. So that prefaces the start to my day.
An aside: I've done the whole over-scrutinizing of symptoms and checking my underwear like a crazy-person w/ my three IUIs, so I resolved not to do it this time. As a result, my overall feeling is that I've had no symptoms (which added to my doubts)...
Woke DS up early so we could all go to CCRM in Lone Tree before the 9 am labs window closed (to get same day results). It's an hour drive so we were going to go to IKEA nearby as well and make a day of it. The phlebotomist was really sweet and could tell I was nervous (about the results/process, not the needle). She said, "Blessings!" as I departed. To prepare for the call, I kept my cell phone in my pocket and had the ringer set at the highest volume. We had an uneventful, though successful shopping trip and at the checkout in the middle of paying (I actually predicted this, this morning -- in a previous post, I had mentioned how CCRM always calls at the craziest times, never when I'm just hanging out), my phone rings. I hand my credit card to DH and dash over to the side (which is still in the main path of everyone leaving the store), bracing myself for the worst. The nurse said, "Hi, this is so-and-so from CCRM. I have your hCG results." I figure with that kind of opening, very factual, that it was not good news (I've heard that others say, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!"). And then I think she said something about it being positive and my number being 255.4 (should be > than 50) and that that is very good and my progesterone level is good too. She also said keep on with the meds and to come in for another beta on Tuesday. I think I just said "Oh my God" over and over again while my eyes misted (I also recall asking the hCG number about three times so I could remember it for this blog -- dork). Then I quickly helped finish the transaction while wiping my eyes. The cashier was probably like WTF?
Anyway, it's all so surreal. I don't feel comfortable using the word 'pregnant' yet. This is one small step in the right direction and there are so many other hurdles to cross still. Of course, I am thrilled, but cautiously so. It's just not real to me yet. It's all so hocus-pocusy -- this whole process! And with not POAS, the control and information was in someone else's hands, which is weird too.
I haven't told anyone IRL yet. And while I'm so happy, I'm still so nervous. At what point can I just take a deep breath? A nice problem to have, I know. I am definitely looking very much forward to telling my DS (probably after 12 weeks, because once he knows, then the whole world will presumably know). And of course, other people I'm close to (except for direct coworkers who already know about IVF due to all my appts) too. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, mentally. Like if DH wants to talk about gender, names, gear or a nursery, I'm going to smack him. Meanwhile, anytime I talk about anything related to this BFP, I am saying BIAGO.
I must sound so measured and unfun -- hope I don't sound annoying. I just want to protect myself. Maybe I'll let a little loose come Tuesday. Til then!