Weaning off of Drugs - Freaked

I got an email today from the nurse (which was really hard to understand, so I had to call them anyway).

1) Estrace - 1x/day for 4 days (I'm now taking 2/day), then stop
2) Vivelle - reduce by one, every other day (I'm now taking 4 every other day), then stop
3) Endometrin - 2x/day for 4 days, then 1x/day for 4 days, then stop (I'm now taking 3x/day)

Then they said, let us know when the baby is born.  No more monitoring of levels!!!  WHAT?  That freaks me out to no end.  The nurse said, that Dr. G says I'm far along enough and he does this all the time and that it's fine.  FYI, my E2 is at 2000something (supposed to be ~500) and progesterone is at 36 (>20).  I'll be off of all the drugs 2 days before I'm 10 weeks along.

Since I see my ob/gyn on Tuesday, I may ask her to check the levels, so I'm sure they'll be taking my blood anyway.

Anyone who has had experience weaning, please reassure me!!!  I feel like they just ripped off my training wheels and are saying, "Good luck in the Tour de France -- let us know if you finish the race!"

8w4d

 

The fetus is babyfying!  Or as the sonographer referred to it, it's a gummy bear!  From left to right: leg buds, torso, arms buds, head.  Heartrate: 171 bpm.  I only got to hear it once... I could've stayed there all day listening, though I could do without the dildo cam in there all day.  Dr. G was once again detained by surgery, so didn't get to talk to him.  Tomorrow PM, I'll find out how much I get to reduce my drugs to -- can't wait for that.  But I have no idea the next time I'm due back at CCRM (if at all).  I'm definitely getting sloppy with my drug administration times (like varying the midday endometrin deposit by 2 hours) and I've forgotten an estrace once and endometrin twice in the recent past.  I'm excited, though, that my awesome ob/gyn (who curses and says that the guys have it easy, they just need to splatter their semen -- in roughly those words) wants to see me sooner rather than later, so I will see her on Tuesday.  She's a talker, so that is good, in that you never are rushed, but bad, in that you often have to wait way past your appointment time to see her.  I feel like I can bombard her with minutia whereas with Dr. G, I'm more intimidated and would feel lame asking him if soft cheeses are okay to eat, if they are pasteurized.  Or about my boobs.  Or whatever.  Anyway, I think I will get to have an ultrasound on Tuesday too, woohoo.  Brainstorm: I think there needs to be some sort of u/s co-op.  Women who want more than 2 u/s per pregnancy (I think that's all I got w/ DS) can join for a monthly membership fee.  Of course, we'll need boatloads of $$$ upfront to get an u/s machine and sonographer, but hey, I bet it'd pay for itself at some point!!!  And then you can get u/s as often as you'd like (or as much as the schedule would permit).  Wouldn't that rock?

Anyhoo, it's all starting to be more real, though I'm still pretty much in the closet... very happy with every Sunday that passes by for me (another week down).

Hope you all are having a good week and that 2012 delivers all your hopes and wishes!

Superstition

[Preface: BTW, I think my belief that readers dropped off was because my followers sidebar has always been weird and reliable -- it jumps from 3 to in the teens and back and forth.  For example, today, everyone is there.  That said, I DO completely understand if the pregnancy/BFP focus of this blog now is difficult for people to read or causes anyone to unfollow.  I never experienced that personally, because I was always hopeful that I could then follow in those footsteps.  Anyway, for those of you reading, here goes...]

I don't know about you, but over the past couple of years, I've been highly irrational with regard to superstition.  For example, every wishbone, every stray eyelash that I blew off my hand, etc., I was very serious about and of course, only made one wish.  Seems so juvenile, right?  But desperate times call for desperate measures. 

There's one EXTREMELY superstitious thing that I have done that I'm almost embarrassed to share with you (that I only recently shared with DH), but the reason I'm going to is that it highlights the desperation, sadness and hope that I felt while undergoing IF.  In 2005, my DH and I enjoyed a summer trip to NYC (where we both used to live, at separate times in our lives).  We stayed at the YMCA (in bunk beds, even) for cheap, so that we could blow our money on extravagant meals.  I got there a day before DH and when I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom (actually a private one, but in a common area where there are a row of them), I accidentally dropped my toothbrush in the toilet.  I cursed this and later, got a replacement at Duane Reade (a cheap DR one because everything is so expensive in NYC).  We believe that our DS was conceived on this trip (possibly at the YMCA, but more likely in a NJ hotel room, where we attended a wedding reception).  Ever since then, I have not been willing to part with this toothbrush.  It's still part of my travel kit (I know, I'm super embarrassed because it's grotesque to use a toothbrush for that long -- though I only use it sporadically since I don't travel that often) and I have told myself, I won't replace it til we conceive B2.  It's like it was supposed to be a good luck charm (that didn't work for 3+ years) or something.  At any rate, now that I'm actually 8w2d, when do I chuck that toothbrush?  Now, after first trimester, upon giving birth?  Weird questions, I know... but now that I started this weird thing, I gotta see it through.  Regardless, I really can't let it go any longer either, for sanitary reasons.  : )

So there you go... a deep, dark, secret that I haven't told anyone except for DH... Am I psycho?

7w4d

Boring title, but I'm lacking in creativity and wit at the moment.

Today, I noticed that my number of followers (while never high, because I haven't been at this for that long) completely dwindled down.  Which I completely understand, but still stings a bit... but I'm thankful that anyone is reading and I'm excited to crack the 2000 page views mark after existing for about 2 months.  Also excited to have viewers from IComLeaveWe who are looking for stories of hope/success.

The latest in symptoms, same-same as before: some nipple soreness, still a bit fuller than usual, still usually woozy at night, easily/often tired, hungry all the time.

I do have a somewhat humorous story for you though -- my stomach lately has been substantially pooched and rounded.  I really didn't think it was baby, I really felt like it was fat/food.  Well, after a very prodigious visit to the bathroom, my stomach was flat(ish) again.  I almost want to do an ad -- "Feel bloated and fat?  Well, consume a bottle of Metamucil and put that bikini back on!!!" 

So, can I just complain a bit about how annoying it is to order meds through Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy?  Every time I place an order, the quantity is wrong, I get double what I ask for.  Thankfully, some of the drugs (Vivelle) I have to take right now are covered by insurance due to my change in status.  I've seen forums where people sell their extra drugs and I'm toying with the idea of doing that but also being negative and thinking, "If the sh** hits the fan and this falls through, maybe I will need them again."  Which is horrendous... I'm really working hard to forge ahead and feel positive unless I have a reason not to.

I did tell my mom, finally, and she was very happy and excited, so that is always reaffirming and nice.  Also, at a friend's party recently, all women, almost all preggo or with a newborn, I couldn't not say anything, so right before I left (because I was starting to chicken out from doing so), I blurted out the news to two of my coworkers (1 preggo, 1 recently had #2).  I swore them to secrecy... so we'll see how reliable they are.

Anyhoo... just one more week til my next u/s... until then, Merry Christmachanukkah!

124

is the heart rate of the grain of rice in my belly!  And it is .86 cm!  Also, measuring 2 days ahead of schedule...

While I gripped DH's hand, the order of information revealing was as follows: gestational sac, yolk sac (and that there is one embie), and then I was thinking "and, and, and???" and finally the sonographer stopped to show the pulsing heartbeat.  And then we heard it -- there could not have been anything that could've sounded better to my ears than that.  After looking at everything else,  she said, "Let's look at the heartbeat again," which HAD to be for our benefit, not hers, which is really sweet.  Dr. G was really busy and behind schedule with surgeries so we didn't get to meet with him.  I did ask to speak to a nurse (Chris, who is "meh" IMHO) -- she talked a lot about weaning off the meds, which was weird to me because it's still so early.  I asked about transitioning to the ob/gyn and "graduating" from CCRM and she said around 8 weeks.  She also said I'd get another blood test in a week and another ultrasound in two.  Okay...
 
Today, Charlotte called me and said that since it was still early (but that my levels were good -- drat, I forgot to ask about the specific numbers!), that we would keep all the meds the same (so I gotta order some more) and that I wouldn't have another blood test for two weeks.  A bit different than what Chris laid out.  On the bright side, I was able to make an appointment with my ob/gyn before the 10th week (it was good that I did, even though it's still early because she is pretty booked up already) so after the 2 week u/s, I'll get another one the following week.  Woohoo!  My friends, a couple where the husband is an ER doc, would go to the hospital and wheel the u/s machine into a closet and do u/s whenever they wanted.  Convenient, eh?  I have no such connections.

BTW, no u/s photos because I figure, they all look the same and I could just as easily copy and paste someone else's and who'd know?  : )  Maybe later...

Nausea and boobage symptoms continue to come and go... am obsessing much less, which is good.  Trying to just stay positive unless there is a sign that I should be concerned about.  It's a good thing it's such a busy time of year, because that'll help keep me occupied and help the time pass.

May tell Mom over Xmas... should be exciting.  FIL (who I adore), though, will be weird because he basically told us to not do it (since DH is older, in his late 40s).  And he's really risk averse, practical and old school.  When DH lost his job (a while ago, we are fortunate that he has a great job now), in the context of our house (which we had just bought) he said, "What if one of you kicks the bucket?"  Ummm... we could all kick the bucket anyday, anytime, but I'm not going to not live my life... But whatevs... family can be so weird sometimes.

Anyhoo... thanks, all, for your amazing support.  I really appreciated the comments that "talked me down off the ledge" in my previous post.  : )

I'm an idiot!

I just broke my rule of not reading new blogs and came across one where the woman lost her baby at 10 weeks, after multiple u/s of good, solid heartbeats.  Aiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!  Also, googling "rate of miscarriage after heartbeat" doesn't help either because you get stories from all over the spectrum.  I'm like a moth to a flame... and I just got burned.

Meanwhile, I continue to be perpetually woozy, which I'm trying to embrace.  I'm thankful that I don't have to actually hurl and I can pretty much go about my business, though I'd rather be lying down, watching TV, eating bonbons.  It's also weird to be simultaneously starving -- what an odd combo.  My stomach will start growling shortly after consuming a monstrous meal.  Aren't you only supposed to eat an extra 200 calories a day?  I think I'm probably at 1000 extra calories a day... I gained 40 lbs w/ DS on a low 100 lb frame, so that is substantial.  So am trying to embrace the perpetual hunger too, but not go nutsos.

Less than 24 hrs to go until the big u/s... until then, I'm going to pick up a book.  (OH, except for last night, reading before bed (Gene Weingarten's The Fiddler in the Subway), I happened upon a story of parents who accidentally killed their infant children by leaving them to cook in the back seat of their cars.  F**K ME (Sorry Rebecca @ Life of an Army Wife)!  These situations have always haunted me because it can happen to anyone.  And how can you even go on with your life?  So that was a lovely way to end my night and try to get to sleep.  W/ DH out of town for work, I immediately crawled into DS's bed and squeezed the bejesus out of him (and stayed there for a few hours before I got really uncomfortable).  Anyhoo... maybe I'll just bake or something.  That would be safe.

Do I sound like a total mess?

3 more days...

This 2ww (til the ultrasound) is interminable.  The other day I freaked out because I didn't have nausea and my boobs were back to normal.  After consulting Dr. Google, I realized that symptoms can come and go (you would think I'd have a clue having gone through this before, but that was AGES ago and so different).  I've decided that, for now, I'm just going to stick to reading blogs that I'm already following.  No one new.  The reason is when I come across someone new, I invariably come across information that is scary and demoralizing for my current state (and of course, I don't realize that information is there until I've already read it.  Example: Someone's TTC journey info will include a BFP from IVF/FET and then m/c at 12 weeks (or later).  As it is, I'm having trouble accepting my positive reality and at some point, I would like to be able to accept it, relax and even enjoy it.  No disrespect at ALL to others' personal pain and tribulations -- I've had a m/c as well and I just don't want to be reminded of it. 

Counting down the days, hours, minutes, which are passing very slowly...

5w5d - Okay, they're symptoms...

While I am still playing it safe... haven't made any announcements, haven't used the word "p--gnant," I have to admit that I really do have symptoms.

• Constipation - Gross, but it's really horrendous... and even though I am taking Colace pills, it's not really helping.  I will refrain from providing additional details, even though I really want to.  : )
• Boobs - Okay, my boobs are definitely fuller and rounder.  I wish I could hit a freeze button so my less than A-cups could be this way forever.  After DS, it was definitely deflated-balloonsville.
• Exhaustion - Even though I am typically tired, I am ready for bed VERY early every night.  And even with 7-8 hours of sleep, I am still tired when I wake up.
• Nausea - Millions of women have asked why it's called morning sickness and count me in as one of them.  For me, it's late afternoon-evening sickness.  It's low grade and I don't actually need to puke, nor does it feel as bad as it does when one has the stomach flu.  It's just kinda there and makes me want to lay around and do nothing.  It also confuses me as to whether I should eat or not, because I kinda want to and I kinda don't.

Although this week has gone by fairly quickly, time is still passing too slowly for my taste.  Still 6 days til the ultrasound.  While I've made some progress toward Christmas, I'm not quite there yet.  So I guess the super-long to-do list helps in this regard.  We're going out of town on the 19th, so pretty much everything needs to be done by then.  Yikes!  Thinking of telling my mom as part of an Xmas surprise (in a non-public way, so DS doesn't hear).  DH wants to tell his mom then too (not because he's close to her, but because she just moved to our state and he wants to give her positive affirmation that being here is good because of B2, since she's a bit of an emotional/mental wreck), even though I'd rather wait with her.  Do you think I'm being unfair?  I just want to keep the circle small still because it's early yet and my mom is an extension of me, while my MIL is most definitely not.

5 Weeks - Symptoms or Not?

I'm willing the time to pass... it's been one week, so glad to have survived that.  Baby steps... (so to speak).  Still 11 days until the monumental ultrasound.  Meanwhile, it's unclear whether or not I have symptoms...

1) Feeling tired -- I usually feel tired all the time anyway.  I do too much, stay up way too late... so I still feel tired.

2) Always hungry -- I'm a big eater, I eat frequently and I usually am hungry all the time anyway.  Definitely when pregnant with DS, I used to have to keep food on my nightstand and eat right before bed, I was so hungry.  I'm definitely not at that point...

3) Boob size/soreness -- I can't really tell if my boobs are fuller, my boobs are so small to begin with.  Plus they deflated after DS, so cannot tell if they truly are a smidge rounder/more inflated, because maybe that's what my boobs used to look like and I just can't remember (anything, anymore, it seems like).  But yesterday, when I was being lazy and requested a piggyback-ride from DH (um, yes, I'll admit that to you) on the way to bed, I couldn't do it because it hurt to press my boobs against him (sounds so nasty out of context).  And today I couldn't lean on anything either.  Not the sorest they've ever felt though and probably similar to when AF visits...

4) Peeing frequently -- I always have to get up in the middle of the night to pee.  I used to never drink anything during the day because it was so inconvenient to go to the bathroom at school.  Now, I chug water and as a result, do have to go more often, but that was always the case before.

5) Headache -- I have one now, but I also barely consumed any liquids today.  I do get them when I am dehydrated. 

So -- a totally lame symptom analysis, but it just echos that it still doesn't feel real to me yet and that I'm still biding my time.  I haven't used the words, "I'm pregnant" yet or told anyone who is not already aware of my going through IVF.

Okay, I procrastinated all weekend from doing school work and now I just wanna go to bed.  First more procrastination -- finishing Christmas cards.  I think I'm gonna bail on the school work.  Maybe it will make my week go faster being busy at work?