BIAGO - Baby, If All Goes Optimally

18w4d

2012-03-06T16:00:00.001-07:00

I think it's totally irresponsible for the NP I met with two weeks ago to have said, "You'll feel movement any day now." Especially since that window for feeling movement is so varied. I have nightmares about having a dead baby inside me and sometimes when I wake up, I'm totally paranoid and wondering if my pregnancy was my imagination. I know I'm being dramatic, but even though all is going smoothly so far, I'm still really scared deep down.

Other than that, I'm just trying to forge ahead. Went to a colleague's baby shower the other day. She was adorably preggo and cleaned up on gifts. Even though this is #2 for me, with the time that has passed since DS (5+ years -- we have a lot of stuff, but will still need some essentials) and the baby possibly being a different sex, my coworker is already talking about a shower for me. Really surreal, but twould be really fun.

Also trying to line-up a long-term substitute and and job-share partner for the coming school year. Have 2 good candidates. Hope to get things nailed down soon. I'm a planner. Haven't quite gotten to the childcare research part yet, want to give it a bit more time... to be even more real (like after my 20 week u/s).

Really excited to work on the nursery... maybe will do a bit of that over Spring Break... and then a lot over summer vacation.

The big date is March 19 in the late afternoon -- my dr better not reschedule on me! Feeling a combo of excitement with a bit of fear thrown in there...

Positive thoughts, vibes, spirits, etc... How do you guys get yourself to think positively??? SO HARD!

Argh...

2012-03-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I'm not thrilled with my ob/gyn. #1) As some of you may recall, she was really bitchy at my first pre-natal visit. #2) I've had appointments rescheduled numerous times by their office and with my teacher schedule, that is really impactful. #3) The latest is that I had my quad screen done over 1.5 weeks ago and I never heard anything about the results. I had to call them today to find out. Neg on Quad Screen, Neg on Hep C and Neg on anemia... so that's good, but good God, isn't it standard practice to call a patient and relay lab results?

At this point, while still early, I don't want to change doctors because there aren't that many who practice at the hospital I want to deliver at. My former doctor (and parent at my school -- weird + not happy with my delivery experience with her) is one of the only other practices. The only other one shares calls with my current doctor, so there is a chance I'd get her anyway (and -that- would be weird after dumping her).

Otherwise, 17w4d, waiting to feel that movement still, but otherwise, all is well.

Just had to complain...

17w1d - The Latest

2012-02-27T21:54:00.002-07:00

Am in the midst of trying to find someone who will take-over during my maternity leave (they will have to start out the school year, which is rather unique and not as easy as when I had DS and had a 1 month sub and then summer vacation before resuming work in August). I've already had two people commit and then bail. Argh! Definitely need to find someone who is not in search of greener pastures. After my leave, my hope is to work 3 days/week and job-share with that person. I just want to get the logistics hammered down so I don't have to deal with them anymore.

Am nervous because I'm not yet feeling movement. At my dr's appointment last week, I was told that I should feel movement any day now. Especially since with one's second pregnancy, you're supposed to feel movement sooner than with the first. Having to wait til the next appointment is so hard... but we've already make a reservation at a nice restaurant in town for date night, to do the "big reveal" for the baby's sex.

Other than that, still have a cough (3 weeks now) and poor DS has it now too. Still craving fruit, so that helps with constipatory tendencies. My belly is increasing in size, but seemingly at a reasonable rate. Clothing is still tricky because I feel like my pants are falling down (and I constantly have to tug at them) with maternity ones and my regular pants are just not possible (as mentioned in my last post).

I did ask why we can't get u/s every week at my last appointment... the dr chuckled and said that while they are fairly certain that u/s are safe, they aren't totally sure and they want to err on the side of caution. Party-line/BS or the truth? Hmmm....

Okay, going to try to hit the hay in a timely manner... exhausted (from sleep deprivation) lately. Hope you all have a great week!

Cool & Refreshing

2012-02-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

16w2d -- while I'm embracing this pregnancy 100%, there are still moments when I wonder if I imagined this all. I'm so very thankful for this "avocado" (according to BabyCenter) in my belly and am very excited for my family's future. Yesterday, had my monthly dr's appointment. Unfortunately, my doctor had to reschedule me twice (because of her sched), so rather than wait any longer to get in, I agreed to see the NP, who is a long-haired, long-skirted, naturally grey-haired hippie. She was super-cool and gave me an opportunity to ask all the questions I had (all the answers to which I already knew, but it's good to get affirmation).

My back rash is still annoying, but at this point, not totally intolerable. Her solutions for my issues (like headache) weren't very aggressive... like aloe vera for rash and ice for my headache... so I'll try to gut it up and see how things go before I ask for anything more powerful. Also still coughing and peeing. Boo.

Also this past weekend, I saw an awesome prenatal massage person. She has a cushion with depressions for your boobs and belly, so you can still lay on your belly. Side massages aren't the same... And then for the face-up position, she has a back cushion that props you up about 45 degrees. My ob/gyn says that it's okay to be on my back for up to 20 weeks tho. When I'm sleeping, I try to favor my left side (not my default sleeping position), but I also do my right and back still.

My belly is definitely increasing in size, but the feeling is as if I'd just hit some sort of all-you-can-eat buffet. Apparently, the movement is supposed to happen soon... can't wait. Maternity pants are a bit big still and my old pants need to be worn w/ a belly band (which I don't love because stuff rides around). My favorite is elastic sweat pants and PJ pants. Wish I could wear those to work (we do have PJ days here and there, but it's hardly a regular event).

To address my post title -- I've totally been craving fruit, fruit juice, frozen yogurt and sorbet. My coworker is convinced that this means I'm having a girl (I did crave hamburgers with DS). And after eating like a hog and said hamburgers during first trimester, I'm no longer having hog-like, hamburger urges. My 20 week ultrasound (will find out sex!!) is on March 19... woohoo!

Okay, grocery shopping awaits. Fruit, fruit juice and fruit popsicles are on the list.

Almost 15 weeks and Still Leaking

2012-02-11T09:56:00.001-07:00

15 weeks tomorrow. Still surreal. Wish I had a doppler to check things out from time to time, but ah well. My burning sore throat is gone, yippee, but the coughing and leakage still exist (though less frequently, thankfully). Now DS is sick with something different -- like a stomach bug. He's the king of puke... so he's overdosing on cartoons right now, you get whatever you want if you're puking up everything that enters your body. Hope today will be pukeless.

Haven't taken any belly pics yet, but will probably so do soon. Meanwhile, this is the most creative and cute video ever. Also, that mom has got a slammin' bod, which did not seem impacted whatsoever by a baby. Hmmph!

http://vimeo.com/30039206

This week, I have an ob/gyn appointment (it's been a month since the last one already!!) and I scheduled it during a long planning period in the morning. Hopefully, the wait time will be zero and I can be back at work in time.

New symptom -- extreme itchiness on my back, all over. I'm having a hard time not scratching, but I'm afraid I've drawn blood in numerous places. I had a bad rash w/ DS too when he was in-utero, it's called PUPPS, but usually on the belly. Right now, it's not intolerable, but I feel like a wild animal who needs to scratch its back on a tree sometimes...

Not too much to report, not too exciting... hopefully, I can have a productive Saturday today. Hope you all have a great weekend!

Pissing Myself

2012-02-06T20:52:00.003-07:00

Yes, you got that right -- I'm on my third pair of underwear today. Why??? My strep throat has not improved (was it a false positive?) after my third day on antibiotics and now, I have a horrendous cough that isn't helped by Robitussin DM (on the approved list of drugs) or anything else, really. And coughing = uncontrollable pee leakage. And either I've been incontinent all along and didn't really realize it (I know things down there have weakened w/ DS, but this is insane!) or this is a symptom. Okay, I just checked Dr. Google, and it is indeed. It does help when I grab myself, but not really a viable solution at work...

Anyway, I got barely any sleep last night because of my cough and I'm really tired of being sick (7 days already). : ( WTF? I thought strep was the absence of a cough? Dr. Google does state individuals with experiences similar to mine, but not a whole lot of other info. I want to know when my suffering can end.

I'm now 14w1d and I guess this is officially second trimester. I'd like to feel good like I'm supposed to at this time. As of today, I'm out to my students and their parents, but not on Facebook (not sure when that'll happen). Some of my good friends who aren't local don't know yet... but w/ B2, it's not like it warrants a phone call or anything. Also not everyone knows we went the fertility clinic route.

Hopefully, the next time I post, I'll be feeling better.

I Hate Pharmacies

2012-02-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

After several days with the worst sore throat ever, I took matters into my own hands and self-diagnosed with the help of Dr. Google. A visit to the Walgreens clinic (bec it's the weekend) confirmed that I had strep. So since I was already at Walgreens, I thought I'd just fill my antibiotic prescription there. They said they'd call my name when it was ready. After sitting and waiting for a REALLY long time, I finally went up and asked when it'd be done. They're like, "Oh it's done." Then I find out that (I had forgotten as well) that Walgreens no longer works w/ my insurance and I wasn't about to pay full price when I could get the drugs for $5 otherwise. They said I could go anywhere else and request that it be transferred. So I went across the street to the grocery store and requested that. They said an hour. After an hour, they said we haven't gotten a hold of Walgreens yet. It'll be 20 more minutes. Finally, I was like f**k that sh**, I'm going home. I had the prescription transferred to Costco where DH is going to get some provisions -- let's hope the 3rd time is a charm. It shouldn't take 5 hours to get a simple prescription filled... AUGHHHH! I want the drugs so I can start feeling better... but I keep having to wait and I'm sooooo frustrated.

I also hope that DH and DS don't get this from me...

EDIT: Got my drugs! Just took one and my frown is turning upside down. Costco dealt with the whole thing in like 30 minutes tops (from the time I called them). Even though they just put up their closed sign (for lunch) they still processed everything for me. I'm just going to drive the extra 10 minutes to save the several hours of headache in the future. Sheesh.

13w5d

2012-02-03T12:56:00.001-07:00

I <3 coffee! (supposed to be name of post, but for some reason I cannot publish these specific characters -- sometimes I hate blogger).

After a fitful night of sleep -- with a headache (same as 36 hour one last time) and a sore throat plus a phone call at 4something am (to confirm a snow day -- woohoo!!!!), I was determined to make a change this morning. After abstaining from coffee for who knows how long, I decided to indulge myself. I had a 1/2 cup of 1/2 caf coffee and sweet baby Jesus, it was DELICIOUS. I figure I'm well into my first trimester, if not my second, so what the hell. Besides:

http://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20100721/moderate-coffee-drinking-ok-in-pregnancy

In other news, I told my coworkers who were already speculating and gossiping all over the place (everyone was really sweet and happy for me), I guess I'm showing in a significant way (much sooner than before, but with the existing extra inches, no wonder). My butt and belly feel gigantic to me... I always change into elastic waistband pants as soon as I get home from work. I haven't broken out the maternity clothes yet, but did get some new stuff for my b-day (the other day), which is fun. My old stuff doesn't look too dated, so those should be usable. Wearing the Bella band w/ my pants WAY open and also sticking to lots of stretchy skirts. I had to videotape a lesson that I was teaching the other day (for National Board Certification -- bleck, what an unfun process) and when I watched the footage, I was quite stunned by how much junk I had in the trunk. Ah well...

I'm ready to start feeling movement, because I do still feel anxious about what's going on in there. And monthly visits to the ob/gyn hardly seem sufficient.

Symptom-wise, I'm enjoying constipation and hemorrhoids, TMI, but it's a fact. The wooziness is definitely subsiding (YAY!) but is still present, hints of it here and there. With my sore throat, I'm definitely having trouble sleeping and DH has been complaining of my horrific snoring.

Don't I sound sexy? : )

Sweet, Sweet DS

2012-01-31T19:00:00.005-07:00

Even though we had no intention of evicting DS from his room (his bedroom is the only other one aside from ours on the main floor of our house), today, DS voluntarily offered to share his room with the baby. I said that the crying might disrupt his sleep, but that we'd certainly appreciate using a corner of his room for baby stuff so we didn't have to always schlep to the basement (where the baby room will be, finished basement, lest you think we are relegating B2 to a dungeon. And we do plan to do have some sort of video monitoring system).

At dinner tonight, too, DS melted me when he was talking about how he'd help out:

"If you and daddy are both working on the computer and there is a spider and the baby is crying, I could get a tissue and kill the spider."

Nevermind that he has actually never done that on his own and always screams "spider!!!" whenever he sees one, but the sentiment still touched me. : )

Leave IVF Alone!

2012-01-30T07:50:00.002-07:00

http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/gingrich-vows-to-ban-embryonic-stem-cell-research-questions-in-vitro-practices/2012/01/29/gIQAIO9saQ_story.html?tid=pm_politics_pop

Ugh... Newt and government needs to stay out of IVF, including dealing with leftover embryos.

13 Weeks!

2012-01-29T20:15:00.003-07:00

Today marks 13 weeks. I'm so confused as to when second trimester begins. There are like three different dates according to http://www.ivf.ca/fet5dayduedate.php. Development, gestation and conception.

Starting to tell more and more people and it's still super weird. Still haven't told my dad (I'm not very close to him)! I just still feel weird about it -- it's still kind of surreal. Of course, I am happy and excited too...

A couple days ago, I went to my first trimester screening. It was nice to have another ultrasound and see the baby markedly bigger than before. The tech didn't say anything about the sex of the baby so I didn't ask. The doctor mentioned a new screening (blood test) that just came out in Oct 2011:

http://www.sequenomcmm.com/home/health-care-professionals/trisomy-21/about-the-test/

Apparently, it's way more detailed than the old blood test and it actually looks at the fetal DNA which is floating around in the mother's blood. If my risk factor is currently 1 in 300 for Down Syndrome, then a negative test changes the risk to 1 in 14,000 (if I remember the figures right). The test is supposed to be 99.1 or 99.9% accurate. So I went ahead and did it.

Supposed to have results for the nuchal translucency scan and the blood test in a week.

Until then, I am anxious for the nausea to die down. I still felt a bit blecky tonight, maybe tomorrow will be the turning point.

Not ready for Monday!!! Will tell coworkers on Thursday though...

New private post

2012-01-24T20:38:00.002-07:00

To be added to the list of readers, email me at biagobaby@gmail.com.

Link here: http://biagobaby2.blogspot.com/

I miss you Advil.

2012-01-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

12w1d. Told DS over the weekend. It was horribly anticlimactic and taught me a lesson. Less is more. I tried to make it special. I put a baggie of baby things (mostly DS's old stuff, which I've saved) and a newborn diaper (forgotten how SMALL -- practically a maxi pad!) together and we set-up the video camera and told him we wanted to tell him something and we thought it'd be fun if it were a puzzle. He took all the stuff out and was totally blank. We said, "You're a kindergartner, you're a gymnast, you're a son, etc. etc. now you're going to be something else too!" Blankness. Finally, we just said it outright. And he said, "Again?" "Um, no, it's not like this happens all the time and dude, you weren't aware when it was you... so..." Later, he said he had a clue (but not before that moment) but that he just didn't want to say it. Moments later, he was chanting, "I'm going to be a big brother! I'm going to be a big brother!" So he just needed some time for the news to percolate. He's also excited to find out whether it's going to be a boy or girl (he is rooting for boy). Told MiL too, she said, "I've known since Christmas!" She just knew, she said. I asked if it was because I was a super porker/super flatulent.

About the Advil -- I've had a couple headaches since my BFP status that have been awful. Usually, they are tension headaches and I can feel the source clustering on one of my shoulders. Anyway, nothing helps -- Tylenol does diddly squat. In the past, Advil would help. A massage probably would though... but that's a pricey solution and requires a lot of finagling of the schedule. So it's currently been 24 hours of headache with no relief. Boo (yes, complaining, but not ungrateful).

Also still experiencing nightly wooziness... hopefully, it'll go away in about a week. I'm counting 13 weeks as making the benchmark, not 12...

Hope everyone has a great week! I'm ready to be retired or just really wealthy. : )

My DH, the Poet

2012-01-18T18:35:00.003-07:00

Very revealing of what DH is putting up with...

A night of wind blowing
Cozy we are
as if it were snowing
a meal of chicken (as good as steak)
under the covers
It's your wind that will break.

The Latest -- 11w2d

2012-01-17T19:14:00.003-07:00

Had my bonus ob/gyn appointment today -- as usual, I had to wait about an hour. If I had a flexible schedule, I would go earlier in the day or earlier in the afternoon, when she isn't so behind, but I don't have that option as a teacher, unless I blow my annual leave time (which I need to save for maternity leave) for a substitute teacher. Anyway, it's okay, as I do appreciate that I am never rushed and you get all the time that you want. Also, today, she was back to her sane, kind, normal self. Phew.

Dr. R followed up on some things she noticed in my chart from CCRM and confirmed my due date from them, which is 8/6/12. The ultrasound was also on my belly, NOT transvag -- woohoo! I asked about the spotting and she said she wasn't worried about it. The gummy bear now looks like Mr. Peanut -- I have not posted, because the u/s pics aren't great -- and definitely has increased in size. She also pressed on my belly (which just feels like belly to me) and said that my uterus is growing nicely. HR is consistent at 161. So this visit, which was definitely a courtesy/extra one, was very reassuring. Without the movement yet, who knows what the heck is going on there??? It's reassuring, too, to know that my growing belly isn't all just hamburgers. Though my ever-widening butt certainly feels like it.

I mentioned that given how well things are going, perhaps I should go ahead and tell people and Dr. R concurred. She couldn't believe that we hadn't told MiL yet, but she guessed that I had already told my mom. She chuckled at that. So now DH and my plan is to tell DS on Friday and then we will see MiL on Saturday and have him tell her that he's going to be a big brother. : ) Otherwise, I was going to be uber-conservative and wait til 13 weeks.

Next week I have the first trimester screen, so more u/s! But then no more til 20 weeks, poo. And not another appointment for another month. C'mon, who wants to go in on an u/s machine with me??

My Savior: Fruit & Juice Bars

2012-01-16T13:31:00.002-07:00

Still feeling regularly nauseous, especially in the evening. I bought some Kroger (house brand) fruit popsicles the other day (I think about 80 calories) and they totally do the trick to temper the nausea. It's cold, sweet and somehow tricks my brain and body. Unfortunately, the bar is not quite big enough to deal with an entire evening's worth of nausea and I don't think it wise or that I would want to eat more than one in a sitting. Next time I'm at Costco, I'm going to try to find a monster pack of them, because 6 per box won't cut it.

Thanks to all of you who emailed to read my private post. I feel bad, in retrospect, about my uber-salty language and hope it did not offend you, or even worse, cause you to stop following my potty-ness. I did make some minor edits, so anyone else who reads, hopefully won't be sickened. : )

Okay, time to stop procrastinating and make the most of DS's playdate and get some work done.

PS. I notice that Blogger now allows replies to comments. I have since disabled Disqus and now all my old comments are from me. : (

11 weeks!

2012-01-15T11:04:00.001-07:00

I've made it another week. This week, though, did include some light spotting. Always light brown in color and not accompanied by any other symptoms. Also, sporadic. I can't help but be paranoid about my hormone levels (see last post) though the CCRM nurse said all was fine. I didn't call the dr's office or anything -- based on what I've read in books and from Dr. Google, it's quite normal for first trimester. Tell me, ladies, that this is so! Tomorrow, I have a courtesy u/s at my ob/gyn. I'm a little scared of her now and scared to ask questions, for fear of her snapping at me. This fear is not unfounded, as my friend who also sees the same ob/gyn was recently bitched out by said doc and treated (in my opinion) in a very over-the-top and unprofessional manner. So I have my concerns and have started researching other ob/gyns. Unfortunately, where I want to deliver (specific hospital) does not have a ton of ob/gyn options... so I may have to change hospitals (so, am planning to attend a hospital tour even though I'm barely showing -- I hope the other "tourees" don't think I'm a freak, just trying to find a doctor everyone!).

The rest of my post is private and if you email me at biagobaby@gmail.com (please do email me), I'll add you to the list of readers (especially if you are already a follower and/or a fellow IFer).

Here's the link:

http://biagobaby2.blogspot.com/

10w1d - Latest Blood Test Results

2012-01-09T15:15:00.001-07:00

Had my final blood test at CCRM this morning, upon my request. Results are as follows:

Estradiol - 1638
Progesterone - 18.9

I don't really know how to interpret the numbers, other than the particular nurse who called me (who I've never spoken to before) said they just want the progesterone to be over 5 and that the numbers look good. 5 -- that's it??? I don't get it... at 8-9 weeks, it was supposed to be over a certain number like 20. Is it because of where I am in the pregnancy and that I'm off drugs?

Dr. Google didn't really provide very clear-cut info either.

I did have some light spotting too this weekend, which I hear is normal and rather than open Pandora's Box and consult Dr. Google, I'm just going to trust that it is normal since it didn't accompany any other symptoms and eventually stopped.

Anyhow, that's the latest. Still nervous, but if the experts say it's okay, then I guess it's okay!

9w6d

2012-01-07T11:22:00.001-07:00

10 weeks tomorrow, which according to what I've read is a bit of a milestone in itself, before numbers end up being solidly in our favor after 12-13 weeks. I've been thinking about my experience with my ob/gyn and DH thinks maybe I walked in with craploads of knowledge (from having gone through IF, CCRM, IVF, etc) and the ob/gyn maybe was getting defensive. She didn't know much about the drugs I was taking, IVF, etc. and maybe I just came on too strong? At any rate, you all have been great with your advice and I will give it another go before I potentially switch docs.

DH has been really awesome and excited lately (esp for "coming out of the closet" which coincides with my 37th birthday. Ahhhh, advanced maternal age... ). I've got another u/s appointment with the ob/gyn in about a week and a half and also my first trimester screen has been scheduled for later this month too. So I've been lucky to have regular ultrasounds spaced out thus far. OH! And I self-advocated and pushed for another E2/progesterone blood check at CCRM and they said yes, so I'm doing that on Monday morning. Yay. I just wanted peace of mind. (Yesterday was my last endometrin insert...)

DH also left a sweet poem on my nightstand the other evening:

A preternaturally sensitive nose,
objecting to even the sweetest rose,
and eating a burger
with gustatory fervor,
makes me happy for reasons nobody else knows.

FYI: My sense of smell is definitely heightened. I woke up one morning at the crack of dawn when DH was up and I felt like something was burning. It was just coffee. His deodorant, which I usually don't mind, I cannot stand and have asked him to stop using. I almost puked the other day taking out the compost as it smelled like feces to me. I stopped using my hair conditioner because the smell was way too strong...

First Ob/Gyn Appointment - 9w3d

2012-01-04T09:22:00.003-07:00

Overall, I would say my assessment of the appointment is mixed. My ob/gyn was not as cool and magical as I'd remembered her to be. Maybe because I haven't seen her in over a year and she didn't really know who I was. Maybe too it was late in the day and I annoyed her by mentioned "the Internet" one time too many (but when she asked me how I knew about NT scans, that's the honest answer). A couple times when I asked her questions, "She said, I don't have that figure memorized. If I had known you were going to ask that, I would have looked it up before I came in." (about miscarriage rates -- which having had one, I'm nervous about -- jeez). "I'm not in that field. If I had studied that, I would be practicing that now." (basically saying that I should direct that ? to my RE, who I don't see anymore... SORRY!). So it was weird. BUT, she let me take as long as I needed and it was a long visit. She also does the u/s herself and really let me watch the baby for a long time. Heartrate was 161, lower, but I'm assuming fluctuations are normal. She also pounded on my stomach (practically) to wake it up and so we got to see the gummy bear dance a bit. Even though the aforementioned put me off a bit, she did offer to assuage my nerves by letting me have another u/s in two weeks. So I appreciate that. It's so weird when at CCRM you are there all the time and they monitor every little thing to now be so isolated and on your own for so much of this. Just a waiting game now.

In other news, I am wearing a belly band for the first time. Mostly because my pants (having gained 10 lbs this year) were already on the verge of not fitting before the BFP. So between my prenatal hamburgers and those 10 lbs, I can barely wear anything except for elastic waistbands comfortably. I don't feel right digging out my old maternity clothes yet and who knows how dated and sketchy those look (being from 6 years ago). The jeans are probably light colored. : ) Anyway, I am feeling good, down to my one endometrin per day (with Friday being the last day) and am wearing just a single Vivelle patch, which is the last one. Really nervous about the wean with no monitoring. I asked my ob/gyn about that and she said they don't monitor progesterone and estradiol and that I should just trust Dr. G or ask for a consult. I was hoping that they could squeeze that in among all the other bloodwork I have to get done. Poo. I'm tempted to bug/beg CCRM for one last blood test.

I'm also ready to start telling people, but I'm definitely going to stick to 13 weeks to tell coworkers, FB friends, etc. I'm just really excited to tell DS and other family members, but mostly DS.

Okay, gotta get back to work. Hope 2012 is off to a great start for everyone!

Pre-natal Hamburger

2012-01-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

As some of my readers from way back may remember, I've recently discovered Five Guys. Having grown-up on the West Coast, I've always been an In-n-Out Hamburger fan, but alas, there are none out here in Colorado. Well, I think Five Guys fills that void! While some may consider it blasphemous, I think Five Guys does give In-n-Out a run for their money. Especially their fries -- which are amazing and plentiful. I've always thought In-n-Out fries were meh...

Anyway, the other night, DH and I had date night (since my mom was in town and could watch DS). Did we go to our favorite French bistro? No! We went to Five Guys and our entire meal lasted maybe 40 minutes tops, including conversation. We were home before DS' bedtime. : ) Anyway, because I am always famished and my eyes are bigger than my stomach (natch), we ordered 3 burgers between the two of us. I'm a little concerned about being SO hungry all the time ALREADY, because for DS, I gained 40+ lbs (on a 110 lb frame). I'm probably +10 lbs from back then too.

Just writing about this is making me crave a burger. Anyway, in my last pregnancy, DH said I could have one random craving request per trimester (like he would make a special trip in the middle of the night to get food). I only redeemed two. So I have one banked! Not two days after our Five Guys date night, I requested another Five Guys burger. By the time he handed me the burger, went to say good night to DS, the burger was gone. And this was after I already ate dinner.

So, instead of a prenatal vitamin, I propose a prenatal hamburger! If not for it being insanely unhealthy, I would be all over it! Mmmm...

Weaning off of Drugs - Freaked

2011-12-30T15:04:00.002-07:00

I got an email today from the nurse (which was really hard to understand, so I had to call them anyway).

1) Estrace - 1x/day for 4 days (I'm now taking 2/day), then stop
2) Vivelle - reduce by one, every other day (I'm now taking 4 every other day), then stop
3) Endometrin - 2x/day for 4 days, then 1x/day for 4 days, then stop (I'm now taking 3x/day)

Then they said, let us know when the baby is born. No more monitoring of levels!!! WHAT? That freaks me out to no end. The nurse said, that Dr. G says I'm far along enough and he does this all the time and that it's fine. FYI, my E2 is at 2000something (supposed to be ~500) and progesterone is at 36 (>20). I'll be off of all the drugs 2 days before I'm 10 weeks along.

Since I see my ob/gyn on Tuesday, I may ask her to check the levels, so I'm sure they'll be taking my blood anyway.

Anyone who has had experience weaning, please reassure me!!! I feel like they just ripped off my training wheels and are saying, "Good luck in the Tour de France -- let us know if you finish the race!"

8w4d

2011-12-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

The fetus is babyfying! Or as the sonographer referred to it, it's a gummy bear! From left to right: leg buds, torso, arms buds, head. Heartrate: 171 bpm. I only got to hear it once... I could've stayed there all day listening, though I could do without the dildo cam in there all day. Dr. G was once again detained by surgery, so didn't get to talk to him. Tomorrow PM, I'll find out how much I get to reduce my drugs to -- can't wait for that. But I have no idea the next time I'm due back at CCRM (if at all). I'm definitely getting sloppy with my drug administration times (like varying the midday endometrin deposit by 2 hours) and I've forgotten an estrace once and endometrin twice in the recent past. I'm excited, though, that my awesome ob/gyn (who curses and says that the guys have it easy, they just need to splatter their semen -- in roughly those words) wants to see me sooner rather than later, so I will see her on Tuesday. She's a talker, so that is good, in that you never are rushed, but bad, in that you often have to wait way past your appointment time to see her. I feel like I can bombard her with minutia whereas with Dr. G, I'm more intimidated and would feel lame asking him if soft cheeses are okay to eat, if they are pasteurized. Or about my boobs. Or whatever. Anyway, I think I will get to have an ultrasound on Tuesday too, woohoo. Brainstorm: I think there needs to be some sort of u/s co-op. Women who want more than 2 u/s per pregnancy (I think that's all I got w/ DS) can join for a monthly membership fee. Of course, we'll need boatloads of $$$ upfront to get an u/s machine and sonographer, but hey, I bet it'd pay for itself at some point!!! And then you can get u/s as often as you'd like (or as much as the schedule would permit). Wouldn't that rock?

Anyhoo, it's all starting to be more real, though I'm still pretty much in the closet... very happy with every Sunday that passes by for me (another week down).

Hope you all are having a good week and that 2012 delivers all your hopes and wishes!

Superstition

2011-12-27T14:41:00.000-07:00

[Preface: BTW, I think my belief that readers dropped off was because my followers sidebar has always been weird and reliable -- it jumps from 3 to in the teens and back and forth. For example, today, everyone is there. That said, I DO completely understand if the pregnancy/BFP focus of this blog now is difficult for people to read or causes anyone to unfollow. I never experienced that personally, because I was always hopeful that I could then follow in those footsteps. Anyway, for those of you reading, here goes...]

I don't know about you, but over the past couple of years, I've been highly irrational with regard to superstition. For example, every wishbone, every stray eyelash that I blew off my hand, etc., I was very serious about and of course, only made one wish. Seems so juvenile, right? But desperate times call for desperate measures.

There's one EXTREMELY superstitious thing that I have done that I'm almost embarrassed to share with you (that I only recently shared with DH), but the reason I'm going to is that it highlights the desperation, sadness and hope that I felt while undergoing IF. In 2005, my DH and I enjoyed a summer trip to NYC (where we both used to live, at separate times in our lives). We stayed at the YMCA (in bunk beds, even) for cheap, so that we could blow our money on extravagant meals. I got there a day before DH and when I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom (actually a private one, but in a common area where there are a row of them), I accidentally dropped my toothbrush in the toilet. I cursed this and later, got a replacement at Duane Reade (a cheap DR one because everything is so expensive in NYC). We believe that our DS was conceived on this trip (possibly at the YMCA, but more likely in a NJ hotel room, where we attended a wedding reception). Ever since then, I have not been willing to part with this toothbrush. It's still part of my travel kit (I know, I'm super embarrassed because it's grotesque to use a toothbrush for that long -- though I only use it sporadically since I don't travel that often) and I have told myself, I won't replace it til we conceive B2. It's like it was supposed to be a good luck charm (that didn't work for 3+ years) or something. At any rate, now that I'm actually 8w2d, when do I chuck that toothbrush? Now, after first trimester, upon giving birth? Weird questions, I know... but now that I started this weird thing, I gotta see it through. Regardless, I really can't let it go any longer either, for sanitary reasons. : )

So there you go... a deep, dark, secret that I haven't told anyone except for DH... Am I psycho?

7w4d

2011-12-22T15:29:00.003-07:00

Boring title, but I'm lacking in creativity and wit at the moment.

Today, I noticed that my number of followers (while never high, because I haven't been at this for that long) completely dwindled down. Which I completely understand, but still stings a bit... but I'm thankful that anyone is reading and I'm excited to crack the 2000 page views mark after existing for about 2 months. Also excited to have viewers from IComLeaveWe who are looking for stories of hope/success.

The latest in symptoms, same-same as before: some nipple soreness, still a bit fuller than usual, still usually woozy at night, easily/often tired, hungry all the time.

I do have a somewhat humorous story for you though -- my stomach lately has been substantially pooched and rounded. I really didn't think it was baby, I really felt like it was fat/food. Well, after a very prodigious visit to the bathroom, my stomach was flat(ish) again. I almost want to do an ad -- "Feel bloated and fat? Well, consume a bottle of Metamucil and put that bikini back on!!!"

So, can I just complain a bit about how annoying it is to order meds through Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy? Every time I place an order, the quantity is wrong, I get double what I ask for. Thankfully, some of the drugs (Vivelle) I have to take right now are covered by insurance due to my change in status. I've seen forums where people sell their extra drugs and I'm toying with the idea of doing that but also being negative and thinking, "If the sh** hits the fan and this falls through, maybe I will need them again." Which is horrendous... I'm really working hard to forge ahead and feel positive unless I have a reason not to.

I did tell my mom, finally, and she was very happy and excited, so that is always reaffirming and nice. Also, at a friend's party recently, all women, almost all preggo or with a newborn, I couldn't not say anything, so right before I left (because I was starting to chicken out from doing so), I blurted out the news to two of my coworkers (1 preggo, 1 recently had #2). I swore them to secrecy... so we'll see how reliable they are.

Anyhoo... just one more week til my next u/s... until then, Merry Christmachanukkah!

124

2011-12-16T18:46:00.003-07:00

is the heart rate of the grain of rice in my belly! And it is .86 cm! Also, measuring 2 days ahead of schedule...

While I gripped DH's hand, the order of information revealing was as follows: gestational sac, yolk sac (and that there is one embie), and then I was thinking "and, and, and???" and finally the sonographer stopped to show the pulsing heartbeat. And then we heard it -- there could not have been anything that could've sounded better to my ears than that. After looking at everything else, she said, "Let's look at the heartbeat again," which HAD to be for our benefit, not hers, which is really sweet. Dr. G was really busy and behind schedule with surgeries so we didn't get to meet with him. I did ask to speak to a nurse (Chris, who is "meh" IMHO) -- she talked a lot about weaning off the meds, which was weird to me because it's still so early. I asked about transitioning to the ob/gyn and "graduating" from CCRM and she said around 8 weeks. She also said I'd get another blood test in a week and another ultrasound in two. Okay...

Today, Charlotte called me and said that since it was still early (but that my levels were good -- drat, I forgot to ask about the specific numbers!), that we would keep all the meds the same (so I gotta order some more) and that I wouldn't have another blood test for two weeks. A bit different than what Chris laid out. On the bright side, I was able to make an appointment with my ob/gyn before the 10th week (it was good that I did, even though it's still early because she is pretty booked up already) so after the 2 week u/s, I'll get another one the following week. Woohoo! My friends, a couple where the husband is an ER doc, would go to the hospital and wheel the u/s machine into a closet and do u/s whenever they wanted. Convenient, eh? I have no such connections.

BTW, no u/s photos because I figure, they all look the same and I could just as easily copy and paste someone else's and who'd know? : ) Maybe later...

Nausea and boobage symptoms continue to come and go... am obsessing much less, which is good. Trying to just stay positive unless there is a sign that I should be concerned about. It's a good thing it's such a busy time of year, because that'll help keep me occupied and help the time pass.

May tell Mom over Xmas... should be exciting. FIL (who I adore), though, will be weird because he basically told us to not do it (since DH is older, in his late 40s). And he's really risk averse, practical and old school. When DH lost his job (a while ago, we are fortunate that he has a great job now), in the context of our house (which we had just bought) he said, "What if one of you kicks the bucket?" Ummm... we could all kick the bucket anyday, anytime, but I'm not going to not live my life... But whatevs... family can be so weird sometimes.

Anyhoo... thanks, all, for your amazing support. I really appreciated the comments that "talked me down off the ledge" in my previous post. : )

I'm an idiot!

2011-12-14T20:29:00.001-07:00

I just broke my rule of not reading new blogs and came across one where the woman lost her baby at 10 weeks, after multiple u/s of good, solid heartbeats. Aiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!! Also, googling "rate of miscarriage after heartbeat" doesn't help either because you get stories from all over the spectrum. I'm like a moth to a flame... and I just got burned.

Meanwhile, I continue to be perpetually woozy, which I'm trying to embrace. I'm thankful that I don't have to actually hurl and I can pretty much go about my business, though I'd rather be lying down, watching TV, eating bonbons. It's also weird to be simultaneously starving -- what an odd combo. My stomach will start growling shortly after consuming a monstrous meal. Aren't you only supposed to eat an extra 200 calories a day? I think I'm probably at 1000 extra calories a day... I gained 40 lbs w/ DS on a low 100 lb frame, so that is substantial. So am trying to embrace the perpetual hunger too, but not go nutsos.

Less than 24 hrs to go until the big u/s... until then, I'm going to pick up a book. (OH, except for last night, reading before bed (Gene Weingarten's The Fiddler in the Subway), I happened upon a story of parents who accidentally killed their infant children by leaving them to cook in the back seat of their cars. F**K ME (Sorry Rebecca @ Life of an Army Wife)! These situations have always haunted me because it can happen to anyone. And how can you even go on with your life? So that was a lovely way to end my night and try to get to sleep. W/ DH out of town for work, I immediately crawled into DS's bed and squeezed the bejesus out of him (and stayed there for a few hours before I got really uncomfortable). Anyhoo... maybe I'll just bake or something. That would be safe.

Do I sound like a total mess?

3 more days...

2011-12-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

This 2ww (til the ultrasound) is interminable. The other day I freaked out because I didn't have nausea and my boobs were back to normal. After consulting Dr. Google, I realized that symptoms can come and go (you would think I'd have a clue having gone through this before, but that was AGES ago and so different). I've decided that, for now, I'm just going to stick to reading blogs that I'm already following. No one new. The reason is when I come across someone new, I invariably come across information that is scary and demoralizing for my current state (and of course, I don't realize that information is there until I've already read it. Example: Someone's TTC journey info will include a BFP from IVF/FET and then m/c at 12 weeks (or later). As it is, I'm having trouble accepting my positive reality and at some point, I would like to be able to accept it, relax and even enjoy it. No disrespect at ALL to others' personal pain and tribulations -- I've had a m/c as well and I just don't want to be reminded of it.

Counting down the days, hours, minutes, which are passing very slowly...

5w5d - Okay, they're symptoms...

2011-12-09T15:10:00.001-07:00

While I am still playing it safe... haven't made any announcements, haven't used the word "p--gnant," I have to admit that I really do have symptoms.

Constipation - Gross, but it's really horrendous... and even though I am taking Colace pills, it's not really helping. I will refrain from providing additional details, even though I really want to. : )
Boobs - Okay, my boobs are definitely fuller and rounder. I wish I could hit a freeze button so my less than A-cups could be this way forever. After DS, it was definitely deflated-balloonsville.
Exhaustion - Even though I am typically tired, I am ready for bed VERY early every night. And even with 7-8 hours of sleep, I am still tired when I wake up.
Nausea - Millions of women have asked why it's called morning sickness and count me in as one of them. For me, it's late afternoon-evening sickness. It's low grade and I don't actually need to puke, nor does it feel as bad as it does when one has the stomach flu. It's just kinda there and makes me want to lay around and do nothing. It also confuses me as to whether I should eat or not, because I kinda want to and I kinda don't.

Although this week has gone by fairly quickly, time is still passing too slowly for my taste. Still 6 days til the ultrasound. While I've made some progress toward Christmas, I'm not quite there yet. So I guess the super-long to-do list helps in this regard. We're going out of town on the 19th, so pretty much everything needs to be done by then. Yikes! Thinking of telling my mom as part of an Xmas surprise (in a non-public way, so DS doesn't hear). DH wants to tell his mom then too (not because he's close to her, but because she just moved to our state and he wants to give her positive affirmation that being here is good because of B2, since she's a bit of an emotional/mental wreck), even though I'd rather wait with her. Do you think I'm being unfair? I just want to keep the circle small still because it's early yet and my mom is an extension of me, while my MIL is most definitely not.

5 Weeks - Symptoms or Not?

2011-12-04T20:15:00.001-07:00

I'm willing the time to pass... it's been one week, so glad to have survived that. Baby steps... (so to speak). Still 11 days until the monumental ultrasound. Meanwhile, it's unclear whether or not I have symptoms...

1) Feeling tired -- I usually feel tired all the time anyway. I do too much, stay up way too late... so I still feel tired.

2) Always hungry -- I'm a big eater, I eat frequently and I usually am hungry all the time anyway. Definitely when pregnant with DS, I used to have to keep food on my nightstand and eat right before bed, I was so hungry. I'm definitely not at that point...

3) Boob size/soreness -- I can't really tell if my boobs are fuller, my boobs are so small to begin with. Plus they deflated after DS, so cannot tell if they truly are a smidge rounder/more inflated, because maybe that's what my boobs used to look like and I just can't remember (anything, anymore, it seems like). But yesterday, when I was being lazy and requested a piggyback-ride from DH (um, yes, I'll admit that to you) on the way to bed, I couldn't do it because it hurt to press my boobs against him (sounds so nasty out of context). And today I couldn't lean on anything either. Not the sorest they've ever felt though and probably similar to when AF visits...

4) Peeing frequently -- I always have to get up in the middle of the night to pee. I used to never drink anything during the day because it was so inconvenient to go to the bathroom at school. Now, I chug water and as a result, do have to go more often, but that was always the case before.

5) Headache -- I have one now, but I also barely consumed any liquids today. I do get them when I am dehydrated.

So -- a totally lame symptom analysis, but it just echos that it still doesn't feel real to me yet and that I'm still biding my time. I haven't used the words, "I'm pregnant" yet or told anyone who is not already aware of my going through IVF.

Okay, I procrastinated all weekend from doing school work and now I just wanna go to bed. First more procrastination -- finishing Christmas cards. I think I'm gonna bail on the school work. Maybe it will make my week go faster being busy at work?

You Can Appreciate This...

2011-11-30T16:04:00.001-07:00

TMI Alert:

I'm in the bathroom, going pee, with my Endometrin "insert" (what a nice euphemism) and applicator resting in my lap for afterwards. Somehow, the insert slips between my legs into the toilet (where I just peed, let me emphasize). So I am reaching around in the piss-filled toilet for my insert. Thank goodness it was only pee and not something else. I then reach for the toilet paper so I can dry my hands of the watery pee, but there is none (I'm at work). Ridiculous. Due to the industrial packaging of the Endometrin, at least the actual pill portion was fine. Ai yi yi. Good times.

Beta #2!

2011-11-29T19:26:00.001-07:00

I'm pleased to report that my second beta is: 679!!!! Psych! I found this cool resource to calculate the doubling time:

http://www.countdowntopregnancy.com/tools/beta_doubling_calculator.php

So when I entered in my values, it was 33.97 hours. "Normal range" is 31-72 hours, according to their chart.

Now we just gotta cross the next hurdle -- ultrasound and bloodwork on December 15. While it is starting to become more real to me, I'm wondering if I'll be able to "settle in" after 12/15, BIAGO.

If you're doing a FET, you can obsess by checking out this site:

http://www.ivf.ca/fet5dayduedate.php

Back when I was preggo in 2005-2006, I probably wasn't super aware because of the different circumstances, but holy gamoly, there are some amazing resources out there! (Babycenter did exist tho).

Just reordered more meds to last for 4.5 more weeks (according to the nurse), which seems early to me (tell me, you BFP ladies -- when did you finally wean off of your meds?) Ugh, can't wait to stop paying for that stuff -- especially the Vivelle! $$$$

I really appreciate everyone's positive wishes, especially when so many of you are going through your own trials and tribulations. It's very generous and very touching. Thank you.

I'm Telling You About Myself

2011-11-29T11:51:00.001-07:00

Lady Bug at My Journey to Conception was very sweet to include me on the above award. She has a very cool-looking blog and has been diagnosed with endo, which may be impacting her fertility journey. She's a devoted follower and supporter and I so appreciate her presence! Thanks Lady Bug!

Similar to the Liebster Blog Award, certain rules also apply in receiving this award:

Thank the person who passed the award on to you.
List 7 things that people may not know about you.
Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and don't forget to notify them as well.

1) I love food -- to eat it and to cook it. When I go on vacation, my schedule revolves around meals. I grew up in California, so desperately miss In-n-Out and Trader Joe's. It's on my life list to eat at the The French Laundry in Napa, Per Se in NYC and Masa in NYC.

2) I was once invited to audition for Cirque du Soleil's KA in Las Vegas. I didn't make the cut, which is okay. 3) I met DH when we were both in a swing dance performance group. I was on the A-team, he was on the B-team. : ) Lindy Hop, to be exact. Now, we mostly just dance at weddings.

4) I have a very crass sense of humor. I love The Oatmeal, shows like South Park and movies like Get Him to the Greek. I prefer smart humor to dumb humor...

5) I did martial arts (have a black belt) competitively growing up and have competed in two world championships.

6) I have a potty mouth, but I do a very good job of keeping that buttoned up during my day job as a teacher.

7) I love to read trashy magazines (like People, Us Weekly, InTouch, etc -- but I'm too cheap to subscribe to them). CCRM has a decent collection in our local office, but have terrible mags in Lone Tree in the main lobby. What the hell? We aren't paying them enough money???

Awardees (I'm just stopping at 9):

1) Yet Another Infertility Blog
2) Life of an Army Wife
3) BattleFish
4) The Cornfed Feminist
5) My Infertility Road
6) Donor Eggs Journey
7) My Fertility Blog
8) The Yoakum Crew
9) Compromised Fertility

OMFG - BFP!

2011-11-27T16:11:00.001-07:00

Had a horrendous night's sleep last night. DS had a nightmare so there was one interruption and then had crazy ass dreams -- all having to do with the beta. I dreamt that I was at CCRM and that they had me POAS for some reason, and I still had the stick in my possession. I was driving and it was late at night and I still hadn't gotten a call back from them, so I thought I'd read the HPT stick and I read it as a BFP incorrectly. Then realized it was a BFN... and felt the subsequent sadness. So that prefaces the start to my day.

An aside: I've done the whole over-scrutinizing of symptoms and checking my underwear like a crazy-person w/ my three IUIs, so I resolved not to do it this time. As a result, my overall feeling is that I've had no symptoms (which added to my doubts)...

Woke DS up early so we could all go to CCRM in Lone Tree before the 9 am labs window closed (to get same day results). It's an hour drive so we were going to go to IKEA nearby as well and make a day of it. The phlebotomist was really sweet and could tell I was nervous (about the results/process, not the needle). She said, "Blessings!" as I departed. To prepare for the call, I kept my cell phone in my pocket and had the ringer set at the highest volume. We had an uneventful, though successful shopping trip and at the checkout in the middle of paying (I actually predicted this, this morning -- in a previous post, I had mentioned how CCRM always calls at the craziest times, never when I'm just hanging out), my phone rings. I hand my credit card to DH and dash over to the side (which is still in the main path of everyone leaving the store), bracing myself for the worst. The nurse said, "Hi, this is so-and-so from CCRM. I have your hCG results." I figure with that kind of opening, very factual, that it was not good news (I've heard that others say, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!"). And then I think she said something about it being positive and my number being 255.4 (should be > than 50) and that that is very good and my progesterone level is good too. She also said keep on with the meds and to come in for another beta on Tuesday. I think I just said "Oh my God" over and over again while my eyes misted (I also recall asking the hCG number about three times so I could remember it for this blog -- dork). Then I quickly helped finish the transaction while wiping my eyes. The cashier was probably like WTF?

Anyway, it's all so surreal. I don't feel comfortable using the word 'pregnant' yet. This is one small step in the right direction and there are so many other hurdles to cross still. Of course, I am thrilled, but cautiously so. It's just not real to me yet. It's all so hocus-pocusy -- this whole process! And with not POAS, the control and information was in someone else's hands, which is weird too.

I haven't told anyone IRL yet. And while I'm so happy, I'm still so nervous. At what point can I just take a deep breath? A nice problem to have, I know. I am definitely looking very much forward to telling my DS (probably after 12 weeks, because once he knows, then the whole world will presumably know). And of course, other people I'm close to (except for direct coworkers who already know about IVF due to all my appts) too. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, mentally. Like if DH wants to talk about gender, names, gear or a nursery, I'm going to smack him. Meanwhile, anytime I talk about anything related to this BFP, I am saying BIAGO.

I must sound so measured and unfun -- hope I don't sound annoying. I just want to protect myself. Maybe I'll let a little loose come Tuesday. Til then!

Boo and Yay!

2011-11-26T16:07:00.001-07:00

First Boo -- right now I'm really feeling negative about tomorrow's beta. Teared up once today just talking about it with DH. I'm freaked out, nervous and steeling myself for the worst. I'm almost pre-grieving. When DH and DS were out today, I was really close to tearing through my bathroom cabinets to look for a HPT. But thankfully, I think I'm out of them and I resisted. I've waited this long... I also think I freaked the bejesus out of myself by reading too many blogs last night (as helpful as they are), sometimes the extraordinarily long and tough journeys of some women can be scary and demoralizing.

Secondly Yay -- it's been a month since I've started this blog and I'M SO GLAD that I did! Even though I've already been going through IF for quite a while, for this IVF/FET cycle and period in my life -- it's been immensely helpful. While I initially started the blog just for myself, it's become much more than that. I've forged connections. I've learned from others. I've gained hope. I love checking in on others and hearing from women on my own blog. As I have said before, this community is so amazingly supportive and its reach knows no bounds. I love that there are so many ways that the community (especially Stirrup Queens and Cyclesista) supports newbies and everyone out in the ALI blogosphere. And another is...

Rebecca from Life of an Army Wife very kindly extended this award to me! I never thought anyone would read my blog and while I'm still a newbie, my hits and followers are slowly increasing in number. Rebecca is a very supportive and dedicated reader. It's always a treat to see her comments. Her IF history includes miscarriages (including 1 from IVF), negative IUIs as well as health issues like PCOS, fibromyalgia and endometriosis, and she writes about it all from the perspective of an army wife. She is a rock star for dealing with all of the above and being such a devoted wife and strong woman.

This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Leibster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

My list below is in no particular order and some that I have not included may have already gotten a Liebster Award.

1. Tortoise Baby makes it to my list because her story gives me hope. She also went to CCRM and had the same doctor (Dr. G) as I do. She is now just shy of her first trimester of pregnancy and recently got off of all the hormone drugs.

2. BattleFish is on her third IVF (stimming right now). She lives in Finland with her DH. I've always wanted to be an expat, so reading about how she balances two cultures (+ IF) is fascinating to me.

3. For We Are Bound By Symmetry is a very aesthetically pleasing site. Gorgeous graphics. "Unaffected" (her pseudonym) had a FET the same exact day as I did and has been steadily POAS and documenting everything (impressive!) in a very scientific way. She just got a positive beta (as well as BFPs on hpt tests).

4. New Year Mum is from Australia and is suffering from secondary infertility. So I can really identify with her, although her journey has been much more arduous than mine, unfortunately. She has a DD, conceived naturally. But since then, has had innumerable challenges including m/c and loss. She only recently got a BFN after a FET. Wishing her hope and success in 2012!

While there are so many blogs I follow and enjoy, I'm going to stop here (for now). I really appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts and support, but for now, company and college football await. Hope to post tomorrow after my beta... YIKES!

Musings on Thanksgiving Day

2011-11-24T09:40:00.001-07:00

Slept in and woke up to a quiet house. DH and DS went to a Thanksgiving bike ride organized by a pro (used to be on Lance Armstrong's team) who lives in town. But the house is a mess, so I'm procrastinating (plus did a lot of cooking over the past few days already). I'm proud of myself for handling the 2ww (okay 9 day wait) as well as I have and only had one slumpy down day (yesterday). Only 3 more days. I've resisted POAS and I'm sticking to that. I am slightly tempted after seeing others POAS daily and noticing changes, but a BFN would be really devastating and I don't want to have to grieve more than once. At the same time, I recognize that IF is a good problem to have. Let me explain -- I have my house, my family, DH and I are both employed. None of us are terminally ill. We live in a developing country with freedoms, we are not hungry. There are awful problems to have and while IF is a pain in the ass, it's a problem of privilege. But the 9 day wait and BFNs still SUCK!

As I become more involved in the IF blogging community, I notice the following phenomenon: pregnancy guilt (almost like survivor's guilt). I really wish this didn't have to happen and that others could rise above jealousy and bitterness so that women didn't have to feel guilty when they have reached that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It's the whole point of all of our IF journeys... to get pregnant and have a healthy child. I know what we feel is what we feel and that we cannot always help ourselves and that some people's journeys have been particularly arduous and challenging...

Okay, I get bitter when a cute coworker who it never rains on gets pregnant on her FIRST try. I get bitter when another under-30 coworker who it never rains on gets pregnant in six months (which was an eternity for her). I don't get bitter when an infertile who has gone through multiple IUIs, losses, IVFs, FETs, whatever, gets pregnant. I gain hope and and I am thrilled. Of course, I want a BFP for myself too, but pregnancy is not like a limited edition Andy Warwhol print where someone else's BFP takes away from me getting one.

So I hope all of you out there with BFPs can celebrate unabashedly on your blogs. And that NO ONE makes you feel bad about it. Because you deserve your happiness 100% (not a fan of the over 100% sports aphorisms. : )).

Off to prep Thanksgiving! Thinking of you all!

-Pork Chop (silly nickname, but I LOVE to eat, and I eat a ton for my 5' 1" size).

PS. In the future, if you want to sleep in on Thanksgiving, try Alton Brown's butterflied turkey -- this is my first year making it. It takes WAY less time to roast, because you cut out the backbone and smash the whole thing flat. Definitely looks violated, but hopefully, is really yummy.

PUPO!

2011-11-18T14:31:00.001-07:00

I'm writing from my bed, reclined (less than 45 degrees), 1 hour into my 36 hours bed rest. Of course, I am using a laptop stand, which I got specifically for this purpose. I can't believe 6 months of delays has gotten me here, finally!

FET recap: I slept in a bit since I took the whole day off. I got a call from embryology whilst I was in the shower confirming our transfer of 1 embryo and that we were all good to go (and that I was coming in). We cut it a bit close on time and got there about 5 minutes late. Labs first and the woman (new to me) there that day was the BEST ever, barely felt the needle prick, which is not typical. Then, upstairs to the surgery center, whereupon acupuncture (w/ Cyndy) was next. The needles stung a bit in some parts (especially the ears) going in, but once they were all in, it was fine. Kinda funny/weird having acupuncture in such a clinical room. Next, the nurse came in to take vitals and I only had to drink a bit more water to fill my bladder (nothing even close to the 32 oz of water they asked me to bring) + take the Valium, which had no effect on me til I was done and getting up. The ultrasound lady (sorry for the non-technical names) checked my bladder and it was just right.

Just on the verge of discomfort for me. Dr. G came in and was really positive about our 1 blast thawing perfectly (3BA, which I'm trying not the obsess about, since it wasn't our best one, but was frozen individually), said it was like it was never frozen. Then it was like a well-oiled machine -- ultrasound lady pushing on my stomach, nurse helping with something or another, embryologist John doing his thing, Dr. G getting in there... did 1 "test run." Then in it went, a little white air bubble/speck on the screen. And that was it! 15 min of still time. Then I had the choice to use the bedpan, wait it out or get up to use the bathroom. I tried the bedpan, super weird, but I was gonna explode otherwise. Then I could chill for the post-transfer acupuncture. After that, I got up to use the bathroom and I could feel the influence of the Valium. Next stop: Five Guys for lunch (lying down in the car) -- I highly recommend it (a minute away from CCRM). As a former west coaster, I desperately miss In-n-Out, DH says he thinks Five Guys is better. I cannot blaspheme In-n-Out. Eating a burger brimming with stuff is kind of a challenge in a prone position tho.

9 days from now is Sunday where I'll have my blood test. They said I could do it on Monday too at my local CCRM office, but that would be a work day and I can just imagine getting news in the middle of class with 24 third-graders running rampant. Not optimal. So we are gonna make a day of it and do the whole IKEA thing (not new to me, but new to Denver) while we're down south. Oh, and Dr. G counseled against doing a HPT, which I wasn't planning on doing anyway.


I know the black bar is silly, but I'm being paranoid.

I've got Grey's Anatomy eps I plan to catch up on Hulu, books, mags, a bell (to ring for my manservant AKA DH), water, snacks, the paper, DVDs, etc etc. I'm a doer, so this gonna be a challenge.

Bring it!

2011-11-17T21:23:00.001-07:00

On Wednesday, after not hearing from CCRM by 4 pm on when my transfer tomorrow would be, I called them. They still didn't have the schedule yet, but by 5 pm, they said I should be there by 11:15 am (with acupuncture before and after). Then, this morning as I was rolling into work, I get a call telling me that the time is now switched to 8:15 am. F**K! My DS, a kindergartner, doesn't start school til 8 am and I have no family in town (at the moment, sis is traveling in S. Africa & MiL is not capable). Plus, I was going to attend a special surprise family event in his classroom. DH urged me to push back, so I called them back and pleaded my case. Nurse Carolyn called me back right away and let me push it back to 9:15 am. At least we can get DS to school, but will miss his kinder event. : ( Don't get me wrong, this FET is a huge priority, but STILL... cut me some slack, CCRM. I'm always at their beck and call with scheduling. Now, my transfer is at 11:15 am (but still gotta arrive early for the bloodwork and acupuncture).

So to address the photo: in my pre-blogging days as a lurker, I had read about pineapple core and grape juice (+ walnuts or just nuts in general + yams) as being beneficial to implantation (nothing highly scientific, mostly on blogs and forums). I've also read how too much is not good either. At any rate, old wive's tale or not, what the hell? Don't worry, I won't consume ALL that is on the counter... just thought I'd maximize the dramatic effect. I'm thinking 1 cup of juice per day and 1 cup of pineapple per day (I might blitz the core into a smoothie).

Of course, DS knows NOTHING about our IF tribulations and IVF. He is just doing the thumbs up because of Daddy. DS used to break my heart by requesting a baby and asking about having a younger sibling. He'd say he wanted a baby sister (so he didn't have to share his toys). We'd always say, "We're working on it." Then he'd say, "How?" Um... can't even remember how I answered that, but that I didn't. : ) It also breaks my heart that he doesn't ask anymore. Sigh. I know that I'm fortunate to have one child and as someone going through secondary infertility, I don't expect great amounts of sympathy. I do, however, know what it feels like to be disappointed month after month, procedure after procedure, year after year. I also know what it feels like to have a vision of your future not coming to fruition and to feel like your life is in limbo.

Anyhoo... before I go to bed tonight, I plan to clear my nightstand for maximum space and lay out my diversions. Mags, books, DVDs, laptop, grading... might also prep that pineapple. Can't believe the big day is finally nearing. So surreal. Catch you all on the PUPO side!

Drugs Galore & Last Hurdle...

2011-11-14T17:24:00.001-07:00

I can't get over the vast pharmacopia that is coursing through my body right now... it's tough to keep track of and I've started using one of those Sun-Sat pill boxes that I associate with "old people." What's weird, too, is how I'm experiencing little to no side effects. I'm off of the Lupron (yay, no more injections!) and am now taking:

estrace - 2x/day
Vivelle dots - 4x every other day
endometrin - 3x/day (progesterone inserts) So glad I don't have to do PIO, which just sounds frightening
medrol - 1/night, steroid to avoid rejection of embryo - tastes disgusting! Thanks for the tip, TurtleMama (take w/ plenty of liquid and do not let it linger on the tongue due to bitter taste)!
tetracycline - 4x/day, take on empty stomach
baby aspirin
prenatal vitamin
Colace - TMI, sorry -- stool softener, these drugs are stopping me up!!

My biggest challenge is timing the tetracycline 4x/day on an empty stomach (1 hour bef a meal and 2-3 hours after meals). I eat ALL the time... so unfortunately, some of those doses are not really on am empty stomach. Hope that is not an issue, have not discussed w/ the nurse or anything.

Last Hurdle: Had my progesterone level checked today and according to my nurse's voicemail, "looks fantastic!" So no # specificity, but I'll take it!

Just gotta get those report cards all done and sub plans for Friday written up and lay out all my bedrest diversions and I'm good to go. Nervous, but cautiously optimistic.

Blogging Question

2011-11-13T13:15:00.001-07:00

Since I'm new to this, I'm trying to figure it all out... I notice that my friend who has a Wordpress blog has a function where he can reply to comments and it's indented (set-back) so it looks different from the other comments. As a commenter, you can also be notified of other comments or replies. On Blogger, I don't see this functionality -- am I missing something? I feel like if I reply to comments, no one ever knows or sees it unless they check back on the comments.

Close, but YES cigar?

2011-11-11T21:53:00.001-07:00

So I had my doppler u/s appointment and estradiol blood draw this morning. I got a call back from the nurse as I was trying to park my car in the Costco lot on a VERY crowded/busy shopping day and as my DS started dry-heaving in the back seat, requesting a baggie to puke in. Why don't the nurses ever call me when I'm calm and by myself? I'm a teacher and sometimes the nurse calls while I'm in the midst of 24 third-graders and I have to speak in code, "Well, my monthly visitor arrived today. Okay, so I should start taking those miniature pills when?" Well, I got the car parked and DS ended up not puking (phew!) and I was able to grab a pen/paper to take some notes on the next steps.

Oh, back to the u/s -- triple pattern, good blood flow, 10.2 mm -- all good (thickness is supposed to be > than 8 mm). But the estradiol level was 256 and they want 300. : ( The nurse (Carolyn -- new) said that we can kick it up with estrace twice daily, which I've used before to beef up my lining during IUIs, but have never ingested it orally. Which I welcome, because bright blue discharge is kinda disturbing. As I recall from one woman's blog, "It's like I f**ked a smurf!" Apparently they are not too worried as the wizard (Dr. G) felt that 256 was close to 300. They're not even going to check that again. Only progesterone on Tuesday.

So new upcoming drugs: progesterone inserts (endometrin) 3x/daily starting on Sunday. Tetracycline (which I cannot stand due to the need to avoid dairy) also. Medrol comes up somewhere too. Good thing I'm a Type A organized person (how do non-Type A people manage all the details???).

We find out on Wednesday when our transfer appointment will be on Friday. Can't believe the day is actually nearing and that it's actually going to happen.

Weekend plans: work (blah), raking leaves (kinda gratifying), errands, college football and DH's b-day tomorrow. Hope I can survive the week, always busy right before Thanksgiving at school with report cards and whatnot. Transfer day on Friday and then we host Thanksgiving -- hrmmm.... bedrest is not so conducive to Thanksgiving prep. I should still have plenty of prep time -- besides, it'll help the 2ww pass. The IUI 2ww was bad enough, with the higher stakes of IVF, I don't know how I will be able to stand it. I know it's less than 2w, but still... how do others do it? Do I need to stuff my schedule to the brim?

Climbing out...

2011-11-09T21:55:00.001-07:00

I've been blogging for only a short two weeks and I am blown away by the online community. It truly feels like an organic, spontaneous coming together of people with like minds/issues/needs. One site leads to another, which leads to connections made, blogs followed, being followed, etc. As a long-time lurker, this is quite exciting to me!

Anyway, the latest w/ H is that he is once again, DH. We are starting to emerge from the woods... I'm hopeful that we can make it to the 18th and beyond. I've so appreciated all of your support and it's so awesome to hear from and be connected with women all over the world. I think that is a key part of what's been missing from my life. While family and friends both local and out-of-state/country are indispensable, you just can't talk frankly about the details of IF with people who are not immersed in it. I also don't have a lot of female friends who live in town (I moved away from where I went to college and most all of my friends stayed there), so it's just refreshing to be in touch w/ cool women.

Onto the medical stuff -- I have 3 patches on now... moving into 4 Vivelle dots. I have had NO symptoms (that I know of, what the hell is the norm anymore? My body has not been my own in a looong time) and of course, if you have symptoms, that sucks and if you don't, you're wondering, "Is something wrong?" Next hurdle to cross in 2 days -- doppler u/s and another estradiol level check.

And while I have revealed little to no identifying information thus far, a parting remark for my readers in the Pac-12 -- GO CARDINAL!

Still in it, but barely...

2011-11-05T15:03:00.001-06:00

It's been nearly a week and I am no less riddled with emotions and the marital strife has not dissipated. It's like 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I am deeply appreciative of all of your support. I hope that this FET cycle will not be in vain and that my dreams of another child will come true. Of course, I hope that this current challenge in my marriage will be surmountable.

As far as the nuts and bolts of my cycle -- a week of Vivelle dots has had no noticeable impact on me thus far (the nurse said it makes many people nauseous). But I haven't yet gotten to two patches, let alone 4. Had blood drawn today for estradiol levels and it was at 85 and they want over 50. The Lupron has been making me very bruised recently, despite the beginning of it being bruise-free. Is it air? Is it my technique? My greatest epiphany though, today, was finding a way to get rid of the adhesive from the Vivelle dots in a VERY easy way (I have read so many posts from women having trouble with that darn adhesive). I use Goo Gone for household adhesive removal all the time, so I squirted a little into the cap of the bottle. Then I submerged a Q-tip in the Goo Gone. Wiped it back and forth on the adhesive residue and voila! Gone w/o a trace!

Next appointment on Friday -- u/s and another blood draw for estradiol.

Not out of the woods w/ H yet and while he does want another child, our issues are definitely affecting whether or not we go through with transfer on the 18th. Between now and then, I will do everything I can to get us back on track...

Take the D out of DH

2011-10-30T12:36:00.002-06:00

Despite my asking for patience and some slack from DH (heretofore referred to as H) during this whole process w/ the drugs and whatnot... the sh** hit the fan last night. A lame remark I made led to old behavior cycles in our marriage which led to some really strong statements being made. Now, I feel more alone than ever. And with questions from H about whether we ought to even be TTC, I feel like all the life has been sucked out of me.

I want to feel hope, but right now, I just feel nothing but awfulness. Sigh...

TGIF and CD1 with a Fake Period

2011-10-28T16:40:00.000-06:00

I think today was CD1 of the Lupron period, post BCP. BCP periods for me are not the same as regular ones, so it's always so hard to say. I almost want to send the nurses a picture (gross, I know, but still) and say "Tell me if this is CD1!!!" Everything on my calendar is still pretty much the same, especially the transfer day. The only bummer is that I'll have to do an E2 draw in Lone Tree on a Saturday (which is an hour drive for me, but maybe I can combine w/ a trip to IKEA!) -- but I do realize I'm very fortunate especially since I know so many of you have to fly to CCRM.

Otherwise, I continue to feel like crap (tired, cold-ish symptoms) and it's unclear how much of that is just life (not enough sleep, stress, etc) or Lupron. I also have some mouth sores and I do get them now and again, so can't tell if it's correlation or causation. At least it's Friday -- I plan to sleep in a ton this weekend. No plans, other than seeing some friends, which will be chill. One friend I'm seeing has been going through IF as well and is now pregnant. It hasn't been easy for her despite the outcome... That's what seems hard about this whole process, because even if we do get a BFP, it's one hurdle after another to cross and that seems to never end... when can you breathe easy?

Speaking of others who are preggo -- how do you deal with coworkers and friends (not going through IF) who are pregnant (another one just announced the deets yesterday)? I'm talking the ones who try one time and get knocked up or can't stop talking about every little pregnancy detail (despite knowing you are going through IF). Other than grinning and bearing it or giving them the double finger?

Even though I am under the weather, I am not too under the weather for DATE NIGHT! Yummy French bistro food, here I come! Maybe some froyo for dessert... (Unfortunately and on the flip side, all this cycling has made any exercise routine go to hell -- ugh, this weight gain is NO fun... there's only one reason weight gain will be enjoyed/tolerated).

Have a good weekend all -- catch you on the Vivelle side! : )

Gramps?

2011-10-27T15:17:00.000-06:00

Okay, I'm being a little overzealous on day 1 of blogging, with 3 posts... but more on the long journey. Even though I've got some time cushion with being 36 (really, almost 37), my husband is 11 years older than I am. This has put additional pressure on the whole B2 thing for us... he doesn't want people to think he's the baby's grandfather and/or be ancient or dead when the kid is still relatively young. I point to people like Robert Downey Jr., Tony Randall, Elton John, but that doesn't really ease his mind (especially since they all have $$$$$$ and are not normal people). Anyway, obviously to get to where we are, we are over the hump on this. DH wants this as much as I do... phew. Plus, I got to see DH looking fondly upon (w/ amusement and joy) some friends' three year olds this weekend, which is also reassuring.

Another thing -- we have decided (though we still have lots of time to change our minds) to transfer 1. With the financial, pregnancy/health, developmental risks involved (though if we did happen to end up with twins, we would happily welcome them, just not gonna seek it out) -- we figure, if all goes well w/ the thaw and whatnot, we have 3 shots at FET. Sounds like with 1, they thaw the 3BA (since the other two are frozen together) and use that. Also, as an elementary school teacher, I see SO many twins (and now I'm dying to find out which ones are IVF) and many have major issues. ADHD, low birth weight, learning issues... or one twin will be Mr. Smart and one will be Mr. Not so Much. Or one Mr. Handsome and Smart and Athletic and the other Mr. Dumb, Not as Cute and Not so Athletic... that freaks me out a little bit.

Worry Journey

2011-10-27T15:13:00.001-06:00

As with with most others who are going through infertility, this journey has been a long and windy road. We are lucky to have CCRM conveniently located from our home and having friends who have traveled here just for it from big cities, convinced us that we needed to look no further. It's just one long giant waiting game. The 2WW after each IUI was tortuous, but slightly less so each time, as I let myself have less and less expectation. After getting on board with IVF the same day as our regroup with the illustrious Dr. Gustofson*, we were thinking it'd be full steam ahead. NOT. It's so crazy to me that they give you BCPs to supress your system, but those same BCPs can cause you to get cysts (because I never had them in the past and that's what the Dr. said). So even though we started IVF in late May, we haven't even really gotten off the ground yet. Two cancelled cycles, plus life plans (like travel), plus hyperstimulation from the stim drugs (which, were amazingly, no big deal with regard to symptoms and the poking and whatnot), has led to delay after delay after delay.

So I kinda feel like, well, I'm on the home stretch (or at least what I hope is the home stretch), so what's the point of starting a blog? More than anything, the blogs that I've stumbled across, have given me hope. The forums, not so much -- those are just plain frightening -- so many horrible stories/sagas too. And even though this may be the home stretch -- who knows? Besides, FET is a whole 'nother deal and so far, not the breeze I thought it'd be.

Yes, one injection per day (Lupron) is mouse nuts, compared to 3+/day. The little insulin needle is nice too and even though my husband, my brother-in-law and friends gave me 99% of the injections during the stimming, I've been doing all my own Lupron shots. I'm over it! BUT, that Lupron is sneaky. I've been constipated (lovely and TMI, but this is all about education!) and having CUHRAZZY dreams (like orgasmic**). I've also been really sweaty and hot (nurse said it's like a menopausal environment --> hot flashes) so I've been sleeping for crap too. Haven't started the Vivelle dots yet, as I'm waiting for the fake period to start after stopping the BCPs. But I've heard that that estrogen is no walk in the park...

What I'm really curious about, though, and haven't asked about yet, is those progesterone suppositories (no PIO for me, thankfully, as I've heard scary things about those too). Do you have to lie down for 20 min after each one? I'm an elementary teacher and I'm wondering how I'm going to fit that in my work day...

I'm also worried about whether I'll be able to identify my "period" after the BCPs... because sometimes it's hard to tell w/ it being literally spotty.

Is it possible to NOT be worried about anything/everything in IVF? Since you shouldn't be stoned while cycling, I'm assuming no one is, but is there anyone who is humanly capable of just being like, "Heeeeeeeeeyyyy..." about all of this?

*I also like to refer to Dr. G as "the wizard," like from the Wizard of O.Z. You hardly see him, but he is the man behind the curtain, directing you and the nurses.

**I've read freaky things about women who inadvertently orgasm during dreams after transfer and then with a BFN, blame themselves for potentially expelling their embryos!!! WTF? OMG. I'm thinking I may need to not sleep after transfer for a couple days, just in case... WHAT TO DO???!!! Granted, these dreams don't happen all that often to me, but with all the added hormones... who's to know? I've also heard of Benadryl being suggested to stop that, but apparently that does not always work. Again, too many things to worry about...

Better Late than Never

2011-10-27T14:31:00.001-06:00

After going through a miscarriage and finally getting pregnant after a year, my husband and I were very careful to be cautiously optimistic as we tiptoed into this new stage. Therefore, we prefaced everything we said with IAGO. For example, "Let's get a Mac.Laren stroller, IAGO." IAGO stood for If All Goes Optimally. We then called our fetus IAGO for the remainder of the pregnancy, especially once we were past the first trimester. Now that we've been trying to conceive #2 for three+ years, we've brought back IAGO. Now it's BIAGO, with the B standing for B2 or Baby 2.